Page 53 of Before We Were Us

“It’s a fucking mess, and I’m tired of sitting around like I have for more than a year, going through the motions. She’s living, why can’t I?”

Brynn is quiet, and it is starting to make me nervous. What is she thinking?

“I was humiliated,” she finally confesses and I see the shimmer in her eyes that hits me hard. “My track record with guys has not been the greatest.” I remember what Taylor said the night I showed up at the club. “There I stood, my hand in yours, seconds after you’d kissed me and I’m hit with the fact that you're married. Yes, I know now the horrible details of it all, but then?—”

“I know.” I scoot to the edge of the cushion and fist my hands, wanting to touch her but holding back.

“You didn’t tell me from the start, okay, we’ve established that it very well could have halted everything we did share. But what about the third date, the fourth. What about before you showed up at my apartment and we,” she pauses and yes the visions of what took place that night fill my mind.

Again Bree takes a deep breath as if she is trying to find the words to continue. I see it as a chance to grab hold of any hope I had we’d get past this.

“She’s harassed my family, my friends. To be honest when I met you it was the first time she hasn’t consumed my life with all her shit and I just wanted something for me for a change. It was selfish I get that, but I wanted to finally do something for me that she couldn’t taint. And yes I may have kept that part of my life hidden because I didn’t want her doing to you what she’s managed to do to everyone else in my life.”

“I can handle myself,” she assures me, holding my stare, a determined look is in her eyes, that strong demeanor I know now is part of the very reason I’d been so easily starting to fall in love.

“I know you can.” I stand and move around the coffee table, unable to remain at a distance any longer. Sitting on the edge, I reach out and hook my finger with hers. “But I didn’t want you to have to.”

thirty-three

. . .

Brynnlee

“Where does this leave us?” Jensen asks, as he glides his thumb over the top of my hand. My eyes are focusing on the movements.

“I don’t know,” I whisper. I wish I did. “I think right now, you need to take care of you and I’ll take care of me.”

“What if I want to take care of you?” The way he’s looking at me makes this all the more difficult. That longing, the desperation almost as he watches and waits.

“I’ve never been really great at letting anyone take care of me.” It is a struggle, but I don’t need a hero. “I don’t need someone to swoop in and carry me through.”

“I’m not looking for a damsel, Brynn.” He forces a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Part of what makes me so attracted to you is your strength.”

Confidence and self-reliance was something my mother and father taught me at a young age. But for the first time I did consider what it would be like to have someone there to protect me. To have a man that respected me but wanted to ensure that I was loved and safe no matter what. What I imagined, it was nice. “I’m just not sure right now that I can honestly say I’m ready to give you the things that you are looking for.” The second the words escape my lips my chest grows tight.

“Baby, I’m not looking for anything other than you. I want you,” he says this, finally threading his fingers through mine. “All I want is you.”

Why can’t I say yes? Why can’t I just say I want you too?

“I should go.” Standing, he stands with me. “I’m glad you told me.”

“Don’t go.” Jensen cups the side of my face and though I want to fight it, I lean into his touch. “Stay and let’s talk. Let’s figure this out.”

I see it coming, the shift of his body, how he slouches just enough to bring his mouth closer to mine. I should fight it, I know this, but instead I give into it. I’m instantly reminded of how good it feels to be with him, to feel his kiss and the promise of more.

Then doubt hits me, like it always seems to do, and I pull back. “Good bye, Jensen.” Stepping back his hand falls away and I notice the way his body sags in defeat.

“Is this you telling me that fighting for you would be pointless?”

Tears cloud my vision as I pause at his door with my hand on the handle. “This is me saying that right now I think what’s best is that we take some time.”

“Some time for what, Brynn?”

I wish I knew. I know I’m making a mistake, I know tomorrow when my emotions aren’t running high I will look back and think how I could have done things differently. But for now, I think I just need to breathe, and I need to do that without looking into his beautiful eyes.

He watches me leave, and at one point I stop, reconsidering my choice. But as the elevator dings and I step inside, I force myself to not look back. If I do, I know I won’t leave.

“So you left?” Taylor asks in a low tone while leaning in to ensure no one else around the table hears.

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