Page 38 of Unstitch

‘Amen to that,’ I mutter, because I very much get where Rafe is coming from. My relationship with my father was all the easier for eight years due to having an ocean between us.

‘Yeah, well, he’s really good about showing up when it’s needed, but it’s just more tense all around when they’re in a room together.’

I get that even more.

Dad and Rafe can be civil to each other, but come on. Dad will never truly forgive Rafe for corrupting his previously compliant daughter by shagging her out of wedlock, and he’ll definitely never recognise their marriage as legitimate in the eyes of the Church.

He didn’t even come to their fucking wedding, for fuck’s sake. He couldn’t put his religious beliefs aside to fly to St Tropez and walk his only daughter down the aisle. Mum did it, in a move that was uncharacteristically independent-minded of her. She defied Dad, and she gave Belle away in a pitch-perfect humanist ceremony at a vineyard, and she hosted the wedding breakfast, too.

I’ll never stop admiring Mum for standing up to the man who’s emotionally bullied everyone in this family for so many years, just like I’ll never forgive Dad for choosing his church over his family.

And, given Rafe and Belle are still living in sin in Dad’s eyes, I’m not sure which is more surprising: that Rafe is ever willing to cross the threshold of their home, or that Dad lets him.

After Dad’s said grace, and we’ve marked its conclusion with a muttered Amen, we get stuck in. Mum’s a bloody amazing cook, and I can count on one hand the number of proper English roasts I’ve had since I first moved to the US, so it’s with genuine appreciation that I stuff an entire roast potato in my mouth.

‘Wow,’ I groan. It’s orgasmic, that’s what it is, though that’s a descriptor my parents would not appreciate. ‘So crispy,’ I say once I’ve swallowed it. ‘Did you use an entire jar of goose fat?’

‘It’s best you don’t answer that, Lauren,’ my dad interjects, ‘for the sake of plausible deniability at my next medical.’

We all laugh. After the week I’ve had, a sit-down with my parents is the last thing I need, though I owe it to my mum to spend some time with her. I don’t give a fuck about dad. Much as I’ve been dreading it, this feels nice, the four of us sitting in my parents’ stunning apartment, enjoying Mum’s excellent cooking and a spectacular bottle of Pauillac from Dad’s cellar.

And I suspect what my sister left unsaid is that it’s easier when it’s just the four of us because no one is observing us, which means we don’t need to suffer the excruciation of hearing Dad’s bigotry through someone else’s ears or sitting in silent fear that a guest will innocently raise a topic that’s kindling to Dad’s extremist rants.

Examples of things that spark him are varied. The slightest thing can set him off. Charities that fund or condone contraceptive education in the Third World. Anything on the subject of queerness or God forbid, transgender rights. It’s a constant fucking minefield, and, in true Catholic style, our family likes to keep our secret shame under wraps.

It’s why Mum and Dad still don’t know Rafe owns a sex club, for God’s sake. It’s why they only know about Cerulean, the small hedge fund he runs with Zach, Cal, and some of their mates. Because, honestly, what is there to be gained by telling them?

Sure, in theory Belle should emancipate herself fully. She should be an open book, and then it’s Dad’s choice whether or not to accept her and her husband and their lifestyle, or to sacrifice his relationship with his daughter and future grandchildren to his beliefs.

But that’s easier said than done, and life is far less black and white than we’d like, and I get it. I really do. There is something to be said for meeting in the middle, for keeping the peace, and for guarding those pieces of yourself others haven’t earned the right to see. Those pieces of yourself you don’t trust others to see and not to judge.

So my sister walks that tightrope, and Rafe walks it with her because he loves her. Belle has chosen to have a relationship with our father on some level. She’s stood up for her rights and her morals and she’s made it very clear to him that his reaction to her decisions is not her responsibility. But she hasn’t pushed her agenda so far as to alienate him for good.

And rather than despair of that, I admire it. This is real life, and real life is messy, and while I ran off to hide in New York, my sister stayed here and stood up to Dad and built a life for herself in the meantime.

I really fucking admire that.

Because, God knows, there are shadowy aspects of my personality that I refuse to entertain myself.

And never, ever would I expose them to my father.

27

DEX

The way the sunlight hits the verdant wilderness of Hyde Park today is pretty spectacular, and my parents have a first-class view of its majesty from their lovely terrace. There’s no doubt London is gentler, prettier, than Manhattan. It’s less frenetic, and therefore less confronting.

I can almost breathe here.

‘So, spill it,’ Dad says as he sips his coffee across from me. ‘How’ve you found the first week?’

Mum and Belle have disappeared into my parents’ bedroom to examine Mum’s latest shipment from her personal shopper. She and Dad have a black-tie gala to go to next week, and she wants my sister’s opinion, so it’s just us men on the terrace.

Work is always our go-to conversation topic. It’s where we have common ground. Dad is the Chief Investment Officer of a large London-headquartered investment firm, and I genuinely enjoy discussing all things finance with him. He’s a veteran in the industry with an impeccable track record.

He may have been disappointed to see me leave Goldman before achieving that elusive partnership status—Loeb partner doesn’t have the same cachet as Goldman Sachs partner when he’s dining out on his son’s success—but he recognises the size of the opportunity I face.

I cross one ankle over the opposite knee. ‘Fine. Challenging. The culture’s a lot more relaxed than GS, which is a good and bad thing. But I’ve been seriously impressed by their research.’

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