Page 77 of The One I Left Behind

Emmett sits on the grass since he’s not part of it.

“I told him that he should’ve come home more often,” Jude says.

Dad blows out a breath. “I’m pretty sure he regrets that he didn’t. Don’t you, Ben?”

“Yeah. I just… damn it. When is the guilt going to stop?” I let a frustrated groan slip past my lips.

“What do you feel guilty about?” Dad asks, and Jude scoffs.

“Everything. Leaving you guys. Getting out of this town. The money in my bank account. My fame. Gillian. Her…’” I stop myself before I mention her getting hit by some douchebag. “You guys helping Clayton when it should’ve been me. I love being back here, but the guilt just keeps piling on.” I look at Jude. “I’m sorry for not coming home enough, but it was easier staying away.”

“You can’t bury things. It all comes out eventually. And that goes for feelings too.” Dad looks at Jude. “Your turn.”

Jude throws up his hands. “I’m proud of your accomplishments, Ben. You worked your ass off to get where you did. I love working the ranch. You might not, and maybe that’s why you think it’s some chore for me. But it’s not like that. I love my life.”

“You mean you love Sadie,” Emmett chimes in, laughing until our dad cuts him a look. “Sorry.”

“My problem was you not coming home and acting like sending your money replaced you. We lost Mom, and I felt like we lost you too.”

I take in what he’s saying.

“Ben, you have to make peace with your past, otherwise you’ll never have a future. It seems like you and Gillian are making another go at it, and you’re building the house. Everybody would like to rewind time and have a do-over. But you need to face what’s in front of you now. You obviously feel an immense amount of guilt about the past. But we’re your family. We will always forgive you.” Dad looks at Jude, and Jude nods. “You bury all that shit here and now. And then you try to be a better man.”

“You make it sound so easy.” I kick the grass with my boot.

“It’s not, but you have to try. From an outsider’s perspective, I gotta tell you, you’re just wallowing in the past.”

I nod, knowing my dad is right. “I’m sorry for not coming home more.”

“I’m sorry for the digs,” Jude replies.

“I’m sorry for being the hottest Noughton.” Emmett laughs.

Dad shakes his head. “Group hug.”

We all circle around Mom’s tombstone, linking our arms over each other’s shoulders, and stare down at her grave.

“Love you,” we say in unison.

We climb back on our horses and head to the stables, all of us lost in our thoughts. I can’t speak for them, but I always try to remember as many things about my mom as I can whenever we leave her gravesite. Somehow, having the Jude thing behind me, the pressure in my chest loosens a bit.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Gillian

Laurel is working on another elaborate wedding cake when I arrive at the bakery.

“Look who came back to the world of the living.” She eyes me over the buttercream.

“Sorry. I know. I’ve been a bad friend.” I sit on the stool across from her.

“You’re not being a bad friend. You’re in the bliss stage. When you can’t get enough of each other. I’m perfectly fine taking a back seat.”

“Thanks for understanding. It’s crazy, right? I’m crazy.”

She puts the piping bag down and places her palms on the table. “No. You’re not crazy. You’re in love. And love makes you crazy.” She shrugs. “So maybe a little crazy, but not the crazy you’re talking about.” We both laugh, and she picks up her piping bag. “I’m proud of you. You’re not harping on the future. You’re living in the moment. Feels good, right?”

I shrug. “Clayton still doesn’t want to have dinner with him.”

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