Page 44 of Lost In London

I’d wait an eternity.

“I’ll be waiting,” I mumbled before kissing her softly. Once her body truly relaxed into me, I helped her stand. “Would you like a bag of mangoes to take home with you?”

That got her to smile. “OMG, yes, please! And apples too if you don’t mind.” I’d never mind.

I could tell she was emotionally and mentally exhausted from the sag of her shoulders. Quickly I filled two large paper brown bags with fruits and vegetables. I even gave Benny a bag as well.

“Today was a lot but I’m thankful to share such a unique moment with you, Quincey. You said a lot of things. Things that scared me and were also confirmation because someone else has said the same things about me too. About me having seed.” Intertwining our hands, she leaned in and rested her head on my shoulder. “Be patient with me. I’m overwhelmed and just…” She blew out an exhausting breath. “Patience.”

“I can give you that, London. I’m not at all rushing you but making my intentions clear. Letting you know where I stand, what I want, and what I offer. That’s it.”

Guess I’ll have to wait until next month to ask her to marry me.

“Thank you. Whew, okay. See you later.”

Watching them drive off I stood in my driveway rubbing that wet spot on my shirt from her tears – I was falling in love with London Nicole Carter.

Quincey Reid.

Where did this man come from?

For months I’ve been trying to ignore the heart-stopping magnetic pull I had towards him. Tried to ignore how his russet hooded eyes made me feel seen. Tried to ignore how the sound of his voice electrified every nerve ending in my body. Tried to ignore feeling anything at all for this man.

The biggest feeling that I’ve tried to ignore is love.

It felt natural when it should feel terrifying. It felt easy when it should be hard.

He made me forget and I didn’t like it.

Being near him made the memories of my childhood fade. Made the tremors of assaults seem so far away almost like they never happened. He took images and feelings from me that I’ve been holding onto with a firm grip because that was my only way of knowing I survived. The only way of remembering that I did go through that.

Those broken pieces in me didn’t want him to take that from me.

I wanted to continue to feel the pain of all my infliction. I wanted to continue to bathe in it, stew in it until my heart was all shriveled up and pruned. But yet, he was determined to make me forget, and that scared me.

It’s been three days since he walked inside my juice bar with the most beautiful flowers and foods that made my heart burst. Contrary to popular belief I wasn’t hard to please, especially when it came to food. My palette has decreased its luxury staple since being a Florida resident. Now simple pleasantries such as Jamaican beef patties from the food truck parked in the park down the street from my shop were my favorite. Or drizzling blue cheese over my Chinese rice and scarfing down lemon pepper chicken wings until I was too stuffed to keep my pants zipped.

I’d changed in some areas and in others, I found it hard to let go of the past.

Hearing Quincey speak identical words to Aziza’s shook me to my core. I used the man’s shirt as my napkin and cried my eyes out. I wasn’t at all expecting to get so emotional but once he started talking about seed, a revelation hit me so hard that I had no choice but to cry.

Secretly, I’ve been praying for God to grant me one last bout at love. True love. Almost sounded as whimsical as Sleeping Beauty only being awakened by true love's kiss. I know I had a weird relationship with God but I can’t deny that I still prayed because it seemed to be the most sane thing to do. As much as I hated the things He allowed me to endure, it’s like the more I wanted to pull away, He kept drawing me closer. Can’t really explain it but I felt more connected to God in my healing, grief, and pain than I did before. I really needed to stop blaming God for the actions of other people. It seemed easy to blame Him than the ones responsible.

Anyway, I started making a list of all the things I wanted out of my life. I had a career and family minus the husband. Had the passport to travel anywhere around the world and had the means to get there private or commercial. My circle of people I considered friends were small and more than enough for me. What else did I genuinely want out of life?

A husband.

Peace of mind and long-lasting happiness.

Even thinking about it now shocked my system because after dealing with Elgin, enduring twenty-eight years of memories ambushing me all at once over the course of a year, I had to accept the fact that I missed the companionship of a lover. I thought I was getting that from Olena but truly all I was doing was adding on more unnecessary frustrations.

Like now…

“Hmm, your skin is so soft.” Olena’s words must’ve wanted proof by the way her hands went venturing up my thigh.

Enjoying the moment of dancing under the strobe lights and finally having fun, I ignored her words and continued to be one with the music. I loved going to clubs and dancing. It’s been one of my favorite things to do since I snuck into my first club at sixteen with a fake ID. Being out of this lifestyle for so long, it wasn’t long before we arrived did I leave our large party in VIP and headed to the dancefloor.

Normally when Olena and I went out on dates we kept it lowkey. Guess that’s another red flag she ignored and I had to face the reality of what I was trying to portray. While being a lesbian was so acceptable in today’s day and age, I had a hard time adjusting to the lifestyle. I had no business trying to force myself into. Granted with my old clique of friends in New York, we had no problem at all pretending to be lovers when guys would hit on us. Dancing on each other innocently. Slapping each other’s asses. Changing in front of the other, sometimes even walking around naked. My roommate in college was my best friend and we were close. So close that we shaved each other’s vaginas but never did I want to jump her bones.

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