Page 18 of Lost In London

I'm changing and I’m not sure if it’s for the good or the bad.

One of my behavioral changes is I’ve become emotionally codependent on Cassian. Not just emotionally but dependent on everything. I have a house on the compound that I don’t live in. I have an apartment in New York I’m still paying rent on and I haven’t seen the inside of it since we left a year and a half ago.

What reason did I have to go home?

None.

If my parents wanted to see me they came down here. I had no friends in New York. All of my friends were down here in Florida. My codependency on him scared me. He and I became close at our most vulnerable times – mourning a dead spouse and trying to survive a violent sexual assault.

What would happen when he got tired of me and wanted to bring a woman around?

Knowing I’d have to one day pull myself from him frightened me. Scared me shitless. I functioned daily because of him. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair every day because he kicked me out of bed. I ate every day because of him. A year ago he had to force-feed me because the depression got so heavy.

He washed and bathed me without complaint. He wiped every tear that had fallen from my eyes. When I need to laugh I go and sit in the living room and ask him about his day and he retells his day so comically not knowing his lively personality is contagious.

Cassian Kalmin is my person.

My love, not my lover. My friend, my confidant, my partner in crime.

Without him, I would be dead… literally.

“Next time you stick your dingy ass fork in my plate I’m going to start putting laxatives in your morning tea. Stop playing, London.” Gritting his teeth, he spanked my hand away from his plate like I was one of his girls.

We were dining at my favorite restaurant Moe Blues jazz lounge off in the cut on Sixth Street. Thanks to Massey and PJ bragging about it so much I finally talked Cassian into taking me and this has been our spot ever since. Their crab cakes and lobster bisque soup were to die for. Amazing food and amazing performers.

“Cass, do you get lonely?” Ignoring his complaining, I scooped up a fork full of his seafood rice.

“I have a house full of kids and you. What part of that seems lonely to you?” He was such a jerk.

Just because he wanted to get smart, I scooped up another helping. “You know what I mean. Lonely as in wanting female companionship.”

“Now, London.” Once he started snickering I got the answer to my question. “I’m not bringing a woman I’m just dicking down around my kids, let alone to the compound at all. When I want some pussy I have a few homegirls that I bust down and when I feel like doing some romantic shit like going out to eat, see a movie, or go to a concert, that’s what I got you for. Trust me, I’m not lonely. More like overworked.”

Truthfully, I found no fault in anything he said and was happy he was able to move on after Noelani. Emotionless sex with women might not be considered moving on in other people’s eyes but it was for him and I respected that. He was doing a whole lot better than I was. While I had no problem enjoying the looks of a man, that’s about as far as my interest went these days.

It's like I was internally battling myself. Part of me wanted to move on and release the pain. The other part of me wanted to hold on to it. Wear it as a badge of honor; I’m hurt, scorned, and abused. I know it was fear and I wasn’t ready to face it yet.

“Well, if you ever feel like you’re ready, I know the perfect person to hook you… Cassian, you said last month was the last time.” I whined looking at the dessert plate placed in front of me.

Leaning back in his chair, four top bottoms of his black dress shirt unbuttoned, and sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Diamonds in his ears glistened under the lowlights of the restaurant. Without question, Cassian was fine as hell. I joked around a lot calling him a Haagen-Dazs caramel cone – he looked good enough to devour. Not eat, but devour.

Then on top of that, he always smelt good as hell and a good smelling man was the epitome of everything Jazmine Sullivan and Ari Lennox sang on Sit On It.

“Regardless of what you ask me to do I’m going to continue celebrating you being alive and here with me.” My poor little heart skipped a beat as my eyes watered. “I know it’s been hard, London. I can’t imagine your pain but I made a promise that I don’t ever plan on breaking.” Using his thumb he wiped away my stray tears. Leaving his hand on my cheek, I rested my face in his palm and took a deep breath.

In the last year, he’s been by my side every single day and night. There hasn’t been a day when my eyes haven’t beheld him. When he had to go out of town on business I was right there with him too. Without me having to ask he included me in his life as if I’d always been there. I remember Keatyn one day questioning our closeness as a joke. Saying that she wouldn’t be surprised if Cassian paid me for spending time with his girls by having sex with me.

Her comment didn’t upset me. What was understood between him and I didn’t need to be explained. However, the protective lion that he is felt different and went off. Colorfully told her to mind the business of the house she lives under and to keep her opinions to herself if it wasn’t anything positive. I know his reply shocked most considering his fondness for her but that day, she learned that even she too would and can get humbled down just like the next person.

“Look at me.” Waiting patiently until I composed myself, I looked into his brown eyes and lowly gasped at the love reflecting from them. “I love you, London. Don’t ever forget that or question it.” He never gave me a reason to. Even when I got on his last nerve he still loved me unconditionally and his love didn’t hurt.

Kissing my nose, his whole demeanor changed quickly with that crooked finger he liked to point in people's faces. “Now that we got all this mushy shit out the way. Break down this lil relationship you call yourself having.”

And just when I thought we could go a whole day without him bringing this up. Pushing his hand away, I took a picture of the dessert plate he had brought out for me. A turtle brownie with French vanilla ice cream with the words ‘we love you, LoLo’ written in chocolate syrup.

“Can we not do this?”

“Oh, yes we can.” It’s so funny how quickly he got pissed.

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