Page 19 of Lost In London

“It’s nothing serious. We’re moving slow. I’m okay with it.” Truly I was. It was the first time I acted on these crazy desires of wanting intimacy and a relationship.

I tried counseling and it wasn’t for me. Andrea was good at her job, don’t get me wrong, and so were Dre and the other counselors at Connie’s House but that wasn’t the avenue I needed to take to do my healing.

“You're not okay but I’ll let you be great today.” Snatching my spoon out of my hand, he slid my plate over to his side and finished my dessert. This was our normal and I loved it.

Rolling my eyes, I continued. “Anyway, we’re still getting to know each other at our own pace.”

“I don’t like shit about it.” I know he wasn’t coming from a place of jealousy. I understood his reservations better than anyone else.

Crossing my arms and rolling my neck, I gave it back to him. “Well, I can say the same about you.” Tai and Melly were rubbing off on me.

“Whatchu mean?” His pink and brown plump lips curved into a sneaky grin. “I’m not dating anyone.”

“Exactly.” I squeaked. “Why not try again? We can do it together unless you’re scared.” I needed to shut my big mouth because Lord knows I was the biggest scary cat of them all.

“Kinda.” Pushing the empty plate back, he brushed a hand over his head leaning back in his seat. “Getting my dick wet is one thing but getting serious with a woman is a big deal. I have kids that I will kill any motherfucker over. Cashton is going to vet them hard. Tai and Melly will grill them like they’re Dr. Phill, and Massey might fight the chick if she gets slick at the mouth with me. Nah, I ain’t ready.” Whew, he wasn’t lying.

Them kids were no joke when it came to their father.

I was equally protective of him and them. They felt like mine. Whoever the woman was she needed to be creative enough to help Cashton with his poetry. Girly enough to play dress-up and have tea parties with the girls. Realistic and humbled enough to be a role model to Massey. She already had a mother, she needed to see a strong woman come in and turn her Papa’s house into a home. But most of all she had to have a big heart and lots of patience to deal with Cassian.

That was the most important thing.

“Lovers and Friends, how are y’all doing tonight?” Serenity, the songstress diva herself, commanded everyone’s attention by stepping on stage. “LoLo, you look mighty fine in that red, girl.” Holding my glass in the air, I mouthed thank you and smiled. When her eyes shifted to Cassian, I turned his way and wasn’t surprised at all to see him transfixed on the neo-soul beauty. He was stuck on the big fro’d woman in the yellow bodycon dress, fedora hat, and heels.

“This one is for you.” She winked his way and I’ll be damned. This fool was stuck blushing. She started serenading the room to The Way by Jill Scott. Everyone swayed to her sultry voice. Couples dancing.

“Why haven’t you approached her about being signed to your label or doing the showcase?” I really wanted him to jump on signing her before Landon or anyone else did. Talent like Serenity’s didn’t stay in a jazz lounge for long.

Keeping his eyes on her, slowly bobbing his head to the electric tunes, he spoke his fears. “Nah, I can’t sign her… not yet anyway.” That to me said he doesn’t feel confident approaching her. I knew Cass. Knew him well and so far she’s been the only woman to render him speechless or make him shy.

After Serenity’s set, we left and headed home. Instead of talking, he played Jill Scott’s By Popular Demand album. Cassian Kalmin had a crush and was pinning over Ms. Serenity. I really hoped he found the courage to speak. If not to ask her out but to sign her. She had so much talent and would be a great addition to his label.

All the kids were knocked out, thank God. Usually, it wasn’t out of the norm for Tai to be up waiting for us. While he went upstairs to shower, still humming Jill Scott, I stopped by each of the kid’s rooms and said a silent prayer of protection and healing over them as I did every night. As I turned on the shower and started wrapping up my hair, I turned on my phone and waited for any messages to come through. Sure enough, there was a lot from My Hope.

I hated to admit it but I started to question what exactly I was doing. What was the intended purpose? Did I have an end goal like getting serious or marriage? Once my stomach started to turn I quickly closed out my phone and washed tonight off of me.

“You think Anthony is going to fall for Kate instead of the other sister?” Cassian was in bed bare chested with our current favorite Netflix show, Bridgerton on pause, smacking on Albanese gummy bears.

Moving over to my side of the bed, I snatched his gummies and hit play. “Probably. I hope Penelope gets exposed this season too.”

“I’m telling you. Penelope is going to do some foul shit.”

This was our routine.

A month after he moved me into his house. He had this big ass bed custom made. I guess this is the reason behind Keatyn’s comment that day. While I had a glam room that housed the rest of my clothes, shoes, and purses that didn’t fit in my closet in his bedroom, I slept in his room. The big ass custom bed was for us. His bedroom was already the size of a one-bedroom apartment so imagine a California king bed plus a regular king-sized bed as one. To make it even better there was a tufted plush divider in the middle of the bed for a his and her side.

The height of the divider is the same height of a pillow lying flat. The divider even lifted and that’s where we kept our snacks and remotes. I looked at it as us being roommates but he looked at it as his way of keeping an eye on me while also having his space. There’s no secret that I was suicidal and it wasn’t just one episode. After the abortion, I spiraled out of control.

Tried to swallow a bottle of pills. Wanted to crash my car into a speeding train, hence why I have a driver now. Tried a lot of stuff.

It wasn’t until two or three months later that he begged me. Begged me on his hands and knees, tears in his eyes, begging for me to trust that he would help take the pain away. At that moment I realized how selfish I was, especially with him. Regardless of Noelani’s betrayal, he’d just lost his wife. Cashton, his pride and joy wasn’t living under his roof. He was hurting in more ways than I can count but he pushed his feelings to the side and took care of me when he didn’t have to.

That right there, his sacrifice, I haven’t tried another suicide attempt since.

Letting Cassian take care of me in return helped heal him in some way. I was a distraction from his pain but not only that my brokenness called out to the fixer and underlying remnants of mommy issues in him.

He clung to me and I clung to him.

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