Page 19 of The Dixon Rule

CRYSTAL:

Right, but then we hooked up. Hooking up changes the rules, and now it’s NOT cool.

ME:

All we did was kiss, Crystal.

CRYSTAL:

Kissing is even more intimate than sex.

Is she for real? If I kiss a girl, that means I’m now obligated to propose marriage? If we’d had sex, sure, maybe I’d entertain that line of reasoning, but we made out for ten minutes, I told her I was tired, and then she left. How can that be considered anything deep?

ME:

I’m sorry. But I was completely up front with you. I’m not really over my breakup.

I cringe even typing those words. Sounds so pathetic. If this was any of my friends, I’d be like, get the fuck over it already.

ME:

I told you last night, I’m not emotionally equipped for anything serious right now.

CRYSTAL:

It’s not like I’m asking you to get serious RIGHT AWAY. Relationships need time to develop.

ME:

I don’t want a relationship.

…with you.

That’s always the unspoken caveat, and sometimes I wish social etiquette didn’t require us to pretend that’s not what we mean. If someone wants to be in a relationship with you, they will. They won’t string you along. They won’t hit you up in the middle of the night for sex. They won’t feed you endless excuses about how they’re “not cut out for relationships” or how “you deserve so much better.” They would be with you, plain and simple.

And despite the reputation we get for being clueless or fickle or not being able to keep our dicks in our pants, a man usually knows pretty fast, often within minutes, if he considers someone girlfriend material.

CRYSTAL:

I don’t get it. I thought we had fun. Were you faking the whole time?

ME:

Of course not. I did have fun last night. But I don’t want a relationship.

CRYSTAL:

OMG I’m not asking you for one!!

Then what the hell are we fighting about? I want to gouge my eyes out. Instead, I apologize once again, and we go back and forth for a while. Normally I’m good at keeping my cool, but Crystal’s next message really gets my goddamn goat, as my dad always says.

CRYSTAL:

Fuck you. You’re such a selfish prick. I’m going to warn every girl I meet to stay away from you and make sure she knows you’ll just be using her.

My jaw tightens. Okay, then. We’re done here.

ME:

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