Page 78 of The Price of Forever

I grunted as my positions became fiercer, my body whipping around the pole like I was exorcising the confusion. All this surveillance was getting old, too. I was sick of being tailed, treated like I couldn’t go anywhere on my own. Sick of the confusion about what my next step should be, and more than sick of my attraction to Seven.

How was any of this right? How many more weeks or months or years would some armed bodyguard need to follow me before I could come home from work on my own?

I finished my practice in a blaze of aggression, my face flaming hot and my muscles aching by the time I flipped to the ground. My chest heaved for a few moments as I stared past the pole and out the window, unable to focus on anything but how constricted I felt.

My entire life right now felt like a swaddle—wrapped too tight, and no way to find the seam to unravel the whole thing.

I needed to get out of here.

Sure, saving on rent was nice. Living with a Greek god had its perks. Hell, I’d gotten a free pole out of the deal. But I couldn’t keep pretending that not being in control of my own life was palatable. Who was I kidding? This entire arrangement had been doomed to fail, and I’d been too distracted by a pair of biceps holding me in the scary times.

I needed to remember what it felt like to be on my own.

Still struggling to catch my breath, I bolted for my bedroom. I’d pack a bag, take only the essentials, and see where I ended up. I could call Roxie if I needed a place to crash. Maybe I’d end up back here. I really had no idea. I just needed to prove to myself that I could hack it on my own again. Like I had from the beginning. Like I’d surely have to do again someday.

Once my bag was packed with a few nights’ worth of regular clothes, work gear, and my stripped-down skincare routine, I popped on a T-shirt and leggings, slid on my leather jacket, and got the fuck out of there.

I moved stealthily at first, like Seven might be lurking in the stairwell, ready to jump out and call me a brat as if he could intuit my naughty moves. When he was nowhere to be found and I’d successfully strolled out onto Reade Street by myself, I knew I’d made it.

Free at last.

I spun like a top at first. Without Seven at my side, the freedom fizzed inside me, heady and disorienting. It might have been my first time in the city all over again, and I was a tourist without a map. I drew deep breaths of the crisp autumn air, unsure where to begin. My stomach rumbled within a couple of blocks, giving me my answer. Lunch first.

I picked up my pace, eager to get my butt to Chinatown and into the dining room of my favorite rice noodle joint. I hadn’t been there since moving away, so this return to familiar territory seemed like a fitting celebration of freedom.

Hitting the pavement in Chinatown felt like coming home. I filled my lungs with the wafting scents of frying pork from a nearby restaurant mingling with street grit and exhaust. While I loved fresh air and forests, something about the big city kicked my senses awake. I wove my way through the heavy flow of pedestrians, and when I saw the neon sign of Yun Shin, a pang of sadness hit me in the solar plexus.

Seven would have liked to come along too.

But today wasn’t about him. I was finally on my own, and I needed to remember that. I pushed inside the crowded restaurant, quickly snagging a small table in the corner. I didn’t even need to look at the menu. I scanned the restaurant after I ordered, my mind drifting as I observed the other customers. Everything was hushed in here, moodily lit, serious and delicious. Just as I was debating whether or not I wanted to swing by my old apartment, my bowl of beef slices with rice noodles showed up.

There was no time for thinking then. Only eating. I inhaled my food in record time, only pausing to debate taking a picture to send to Seven. Not to tease him—just to let him know he needed to come here with me next time.

Could you stop thinking about Seven for once?

Once my belly was full and my spirits lifted, I rejoined the busy weekday outside, heading for my old favorite: Columbus Park. There was a chance Dustin would be there, but I was confident I could outrun him if he tried anything even remotely creepy. Still, I entered the calm greenspace with some hesitation, on the lookout for red hair and his worn-out khaki coat. I hated how nervous the idea made me—did this mean I couldn’t survive without Seven now?

I’d confronted far scarier situations without batting an eye. I knew how to be aware, how to be ready. Seven didn’t get to take that away from me.

I settled onto a park bench, sliding my duffel bag off my shoulder. I needed to sit with my thoughts. Everything inside me grew heavy with indecision and misdirection. And the worst part was that, if I was being completely honest with myself, I did want Seven at my side. As more than just my bodyguard.

But the thought terrified me. Even if he somehow stopped being my guard, even if there was some way to make this connection work without living together or him being around constantly, was I ready for something serious? With someone like Seven?

I watched the parkgoers as they drifted by, listening for an answer inside of me.

I was so used to hacking it on my own. But maybe I was ready for a new adventure. A new chapter. A new…approach.

A couple went up to the statue of Dr. Sun Yat-sen and sat at the base while they each ate their own container of sushi. Occasionally, the girl would offer a bite to her boyfriend, which he’d gratefully take. And then, a few bites later, he’d offer one to her.

Even that brought tears to my eyes. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was pregnant. But pregnancy was off the table, unless I was sorely mistaken about the mechanics of insemination. No, ever since my brothers had shown up in Black & Brewtiful, I was more sensitive and emotional than I’d ever been in my entire life.

You’re just so tired of needing to be strong.

The thought resonated through me, prompting actual tears this time. I bent over my duffel bag, rummaging around as though I was searching for something. But really, I was just trying to hide my tears and not break down entirely in public. I was tired of always being on the defensive. Needing to look out for myself because nobody gave a god damn about me. I was tired of feeling like it was me against the world.

The last few weeks of being able to relax and stand down… I buried my face in my hands, suddenly overwhelmed by the revelation. This time had been a gift. One that my brothers gave me without realizing they were doing it.

My heart swelled, a warm mixture of both pain and tenderness. I didn’t know up from down anymore. I missed Seven four hours after I’d last seen him; I was halfway crying from tender feelings about my brothers. This wasn’t the Jordan I knew. What was I going to do next, start spilling all my life’s secrets to Roxie and the other girls at work?

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