Page 21 of Love Hazard

Look away.

Puppies. Hurricanes. Earthquakes. Aliens. Think of anythingbut her mouth. Anything.

My lips parted as she shoved the hotdog in. I had to admit,I’d rather eat her, but instead, I was getting schooled in how to doctor up myfood.

Frowning, I kept chewing and nodded. “That’s good.”

She patted me on the head.

She rarely touched me.

I froze.

She froze.

I stopped chewing.

Suddenly, she stood and went back to her chair. “See, I canbe right.”

“You can.” I saluted her. “I bow down to your amazing hotdogrecipe. I tragically lack the skill.”

“But you did cook.” She pointed her hotdog at me. “Andthey’re juicy, really good, nice.”

I coughed out a thanks and made my own food. By the time wewere done eating, it was time to sleep, and I was forced to put everything awaywith her in an effort to avoid the smallest tent I’dever packed in my entire life.

I stared down at it. There was nothing left to do. I staredharder.

She walked up next to me. “Okay, all the food is secure inthe cooler inside the Jeep. Here are the keys, just in case.” She slammed theminto my hand. “And I put some water near the tent in case you wake up and—”

She touched her stomach.

“And?” I prompted.

“Um.” Her eyes went wide as she looked behind me, then atthe tent, then stared down at the shovel like it was her ending. “Um, Isuddenly really have to go to the bathroom. Numberone, not number two.”

“You’re an adult. You can tell me if you need to take a piss, Hazel. Just go around the tent and—“Immediately, a rustling sounded, then I heard what might have been agrowl.

She jumped against me, plastering her face to my chest.“It’s probably the raccoon again,” I said.

“I can’t pee with it watching me.”

“It has no feelings.”

“I do, though.” She wrapped her arms around my waist. “Plus,I can’t see. How am I going to see?”

“Okay, at the risk of getting too detailed here, do youreally need to watch when you wipe, or can you just pop a squat, do a littleshake, use a square, toss it into a bag, and move on your merry way?”

“I’m not a boy. I don’t have a dick that I can just shake inthe wind.”

“Right,” I said slowly as I hugged her. “Because that isexactly what we do. We face the wind and shake—not too hard, though, becausethat’s something else completely.”

She elbowed me in the ribs. “I’m serious. What do I do?”

“You pee proudly—into the wind, apparently.”

“Be serious.”

“Hazel, do you want me to take you to the hole?”

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