Page 27 of That Bubbling Feeling

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By bedtime, all my dreams came true. For the second time tonight. As I pushed into my covers, Kai sat on the pathetically prepared futon, giving me that sticky-sweet look. She wanted something. I just stared back at her until she took it.

In an instant, she scattered from her seated position and squeezed herself into my bed, forcing me back toward the wall and wrapping herself tightly in my sheets. “Just for a bit. Then I’ll leave you alone.”

I prayed she never would. “You’re welcome here anytime.”

She looked down at the pillow, picking at the loose pillowcase with her fingers. Having her here, up close, was everything to me. Gratitude wrapped my heart as I traced the line of her jaw with my gaze, as I caught the slight flutter in her lashes as she blinked. Every detail was monumental, rare, and precious. It’s hard to describe exactly what distance feels like, but it’s very heavy and very painful. Closeness becomes a miracle amid the constant agony. So, her presence in my room swept over me like the sweetest and most needed gift.

“All I ever think about is this,” she said. My heart swelled in my chest. It was all I ever thought about too. “Every day, I sit in my room, or in class, or wherever I am, and I daydream about being here with you guys.” Me too, Kai. “Some days it’s, like, unbearable. It’s this really intense feeling, and it’s so frustrating. I just want everything to be in one place, you know?” She laughed to herself, though I found no humor in what she said. I related to it more than I cared to admit aloud.

“One day, you’ll have everything you want. I’ll make sure of it.”

Her eyes flicked up to me skeptically. She was about to make fun of me in three…two… “I bet your acquaintances would never believe you could be so generous.”

“No. I’m not sure they’d believe I even know how to speak. My generosity is not for everyone.”

She sighed, nearing her cheek to my shoulder as I shifted to lie on my back and stare at the ceiling. “You poor fool. So picky yet you care for a copy-paste cyborg like me.”

I thought she was anything but, though she’d never believe it coming from my mouth.

“Can I tell you a secret?” I asked. She nodded into my shoulder bone. “Every person on this planet is a copy-paste cyborg. You just happen to be my favorite one.”

She pulled in a quick, sarcastic gasp. “Every person? Even you?”

“Bee boop bop bee,” I said robotically.

She groaned. “Oh, Jonah. That was hardly funny. You must’ve lost half your humor along with the right side of your hair. But don’t worry, it’ll grow back.”

A genuine chuckle sounded at the back of my throat, shooting up to the ceiling above. “I offer you my home and this is how I’m treated? I can’t believe you came all this way just to insult me. Where’d you find the money for a ticket anyway?” I knew she’d picked up a few virtual clients since quitting nightlife, completing random projects for them and helping them manage their social media accounts and such. But that was only a month ago, and money had always been a sensitive topic with Kai.

She giggled. “I have lots more hours for clients now that I have nights off. They pay better. It’ll be tight until my next payout, but totally worth it.”

The conversation paused for a long moment. She quit working at the bar when everything happened with Javi, and I had hoped that meant she might give herself a break. But, from the sound of it, she just worked herself right into overwhelm. I knew she was making a true effort for herself, but I hated to hear she was still living paycheck to paycheck. Especially while Oli, Noah, and I earned more and more each day. Surprisingly, people actually seemed to like the music we made.

Before my next words, I did a silent prayer to the universe that this time, my pleas might actually work. That she might see that she could be happier here, that she could have so much opportunity. “Move in with me, Kai. With us.”

I couldn’t see her, but the silence let me know exactly what she was doing. Her smile had probably dropped just a smidge and her eyebrows probably loosened. I could feel her temple nudge into my shoulder like a cat kneading into its sleeping spot. She wasn’t going to answer. She didn’t really need to.

“Will you please think about it?” I asked.

“Yeah. I’ll think about it.” She wouldn’t.

She turned and clicked off the reading light on my nightstand, decidedly squishing herself into my bed to sleep. In the dark, I turned back toward her, the sheets sliding over my knuckles as my hand searched for a hug. I found her tricep stacked delicately on her side. The moment my fingertips reached her skin, a shock ran through her body, and my ears caught the faintest sound of a protest. I snapped my hand back to my torso quickly.

She flinched. She fucking flinched. My heart began to crack as a string of apologies followed her previous whimper.

“Oh, Jonah, I’m so sorry.” She took my hand and dragged it back to her body, attempting to cover her quick reaction. “Please. I’m so sorry. Here.” She wrapped herself in me and nudged closer.

I hardly reacted. She was just tugging at my limp extremities, and I did nothing to help her. I couldn’t. I hated this feeling. This feeling of knowing that someone I loved so much was inevitably changed by experiences I couldn’t control. She was emptier than she used to be, and it made me want to keep her close until she filled back up. What the hell had happened to her to make her so jumpy? I could hardly stomach the thought. I could hardly stomach the bits I already knew about.

“Please, Jonah. I’m so sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, Kai.”

“I’m s—” She cleared her throat. “Jojo, I just… I’m just more sensitive these days.”

Sensitive. Sensitive. Did she really think I’d believe that? “I’m sorry for touching you, Kai.”

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