Page 7 of Of Gods and Pain

Chapter Four

Casmir

Aloud shattering noise snags my attention, and my gaze rises to Ansa; she looks as if she swam through the juice of cherries, painting her skin a deep red.

“If you’re not going to at least pretend to care, Sam, get the fuck out!” She screams at the bulky male, though he doesn’t even flinch. Instead, he stands and stalks out of the room without saying a word.

“Was that necessary?” Jorin snaps at Ansa. Everyone is on edge today…well, not just today. For the last few weeks. We’ve been in this room nearly every day, having the same arguments repeatedly.

We’re getting nowhere, and it’s bringing out the worst of us.

Emrys slouches in a chair to my right, staring at the rectangular wooden table. He hasn’t moved since entering the room; not to speak to anyone, nor to lift his eyes to acknowledge their presence. A knot of worry tightens in my chest. I need him to be okay. He and Nell are my entire world; I’m trying so hard to do this without her right now, and there’s no chance in the realms I could also go on without him. But I think the only thing that could help him at this point is getting Nell back.

The thought redirects my attention to the disorienting feud happening in front of me. I watch as though I’m someone else. My scarred, callous flesh is just a placeholder for my soul; sitting in on these meetings while it allows me to be present elsewhere. But I’m trying to be present here.

“Don’t even start with me, Jorin,” Ansa fires back. “You haven’t exactly been enthusiastic about these meetings, either.”

“Why the fuck would I be enthusiastic about these?” He shouts, lifting from his chair and planting his hands on the table. “We’re here talking about how to rescue our friend. Because she’s been kidnapped by some psychopath and is being tortured for it. Of course I’m not going to be enthusiastic about the reminder!”

The two guards stare each other down, both knowing there’s nothing else for them to say on the topic, but both too worked up to let it go.

I pinch the bridge of my nose, a headache quickly forming behind my eyes. I can feel my breaking point racing towards me at an impressive speed. It’s foaming at the mouth, ready to suffocate the last of my stability. I wince as my thoughts unwillingly go to the letter. The letter I received during the council party, where Em and I used our beautiful goddess in front of all the other fae. I nearly smile at the memory of her attempting to be quiet, though it was a very poor attempt. None of the council would have questioned me, but they undoubtedly knew what was going on.

Then I was taken away from the party to read an update from one of the Anlorian scouts. Since the moment Andras hit my bond, confirming all of my suspicions about him, I’ve had fae watching the different territories. He seemed quite possessive over Nell, though we didn’t know why at the time; and there was an odd prickling wrapping itself around my spine, telling me that he will come for her. I convinced myself it was just my possessive fae instincts, since I was already falling in love with her at that point, though I still sent others out just to be sure.

The night I read the letter, I learned that some of Andras’s soldiers were camped near GodsPass, though they hadn’t moved in days. They appeared to be waiting for something, and I knew what that was the moment Nell told us who she really is.

I knew they were waiting for her.

But when she kept insisting that she needed to go there, causing fights between her and Emrys, I held off on telling her. I was going to wait until she got some rest—until we all did—and we cooled off before explaining to her why she couldn't leave. I knew it would’ve only upset her so much more that she couldn’t go back to Europa.

So I waited to tell her.

And then he took her.

It’s my fault. That truth has been shredding my miserable soul to thin pieces I’m not sure I’ll be able to weave back together.

“If you two are done with your pissing contest, could we please focus on the literal goddess who needs our help?” Karis’s voice cracks, as does the wood of the table under his fist. He and Talyn have been silent for most of this meeting, though it’s clear they’re both fed up with the redundant arguments. He looks his twin and Ansa in the eyes before continuing. “We’ve already established that it would be foolish to bring even our entire army to Ceross, since we do not know what Andras is capable of right now. And sending our prince, or Emrys, is not a possibility since Andras would just use them against Nell.” He exhales, stress overtaking his normally softened features. His black hair is disheveled and looks like he hasn’t paid attention to it in days.

“Why don’t we send one of the scouts into the castle?” Talyn’s quiet voice fills the tension and every head in the room, except Emrys’s, snaps towards her at the suggestion. Why did I not think of this? Andras would have no idea if someone in his castle was under my command. They could try to find any information about Nell, though it may be difficult; I’m sure Andras keeps her in a location he feels is safe from wandering eyes and ears. But this could be our best chance. Our only chance.

“Why haven’t we done that already?” Ansa voices my thoughts, accusing no one in particular. “We could send Seb, though he would need a good reason to be in the castle. Andras was paranoid before, but now that he has Nell? I’ll bet it’s nearly impossible for anyone but his close circle to be in those halls.”

Pieces of rock fall from the dark walls as they shift inwards, threatening to press in on each fae here. I show no reaction, looking to the rest of the group to confirm I’m the only one seeing this. I am. My throat tightens, and I know I need to leave.

“Set it up,” I instruct Ansa as I stand and stride out of the room, not waiting for any comments the rest have to say. I’m walking somewhere…I recognize these halls, but I can’t place where my legs are taking me. They are in full control of my destination as my mind spins.

Fuck, I don’t have time for this.

I blink and I’m suddenly standing at the bottom of the waterfall behind the castle, watching the blinding liquid fall and crash into itself. The water from the top mixes in with the river at the bottom, losing its original structure and becoming something entirely new.

My heart thunders against my ribs at the sound of a familiar voice. “Why did you just leave? We were finally getting somewhere!”

“Not now, Em,” I barely choke out, my voice not sounding like my own. I don’t turn to look at him; instead I continue to watch the brutality of nature.

“You know what? Fuck you, Cas,” he spits out, and my soul shrivels at his tone. “I don’t know why I bother having this argument with you anymore. Clearly you don’t give a fuck.” His footsteps retreat as irritation has me spinning around to confront him. I’ve allowed him to speak to me like this for weeks, knowing he’s going through the same thing I am, but I’ve had enough. He has no right to take his anger and misery out on me.

“Who do you think you are to speak to your prince like that?” My voice is regal and commanding, causing Emrys to halt his steps. His body tenses, and I feel the fight inside him brewing at my pull of rank. I never use rank against him. But he obviously has things he needs to say, and maybe this will be enough to push him over the edge so that we can finally work out this tension.

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