Page 6 of Of Gods and Pain

“Your father and I wish to speak to you about something important,” her voice softens a little. I attempt a smile, but tremble in my seat, knowing she only speaks kindly to me when it’s bad news.

It wasn’t necessarily bad news, though I thought my world was crumbling apart at the time. The minds of children are strange places. My mother told me I was a god, explaining the difference between us and the demi-gods. From then on, I just felt like an experiment, not someone to be loved. But I still always attempted to make them proud. Especially mother. She never seemed to be content with anything I did; it was irrelevant if I met, or surpassed, her expectations…because by the time I did so, she had new ones.

I’m angry with her.

She’s the fucking Goddess of War, and she couldn’t at least warn me of the terrible things I could find here? No one in Europa would ever dare harm another, unless it was in training or competition. Murder and torture were things I stupidly didn’t think happened outside of wars. Clearly, I’m a fucking idiot. I nearly laugh, imagining the look on her face when she comes searching for me and sees that I’m dead. I’ll be her ultimate disappointment.

At least I have five more years before they’ll visit Earth to see where I am. Each god—not the demi-gods—is required to complete thirty years of training on Earth; learning the culture, the different things that are affected by the balance, and the things that can affect the balance itself. All of it is important for a god to understand before they’re sanctioned. The experience gives us the knowledge that we need to perform our duties for the balance.

Another thought crosses my mind, and I do laugh this time, feigning a cough that earns me a dirty look from Imogen. While my mother didn’t warn me about the monstrosities of this realm, she did warn me about soul bonds. Of course! She would rather I be susceptible to torture instead of falling in love. Well, maybe I am lucky because I've gotten to experience both.

Memories of Casmir, Emrys, and Xamira float through my mind, and I use Imogen’s knife-work as an excuse for the tears that shed at the thought of my bonds.

I miss them.

But I’m thankful that none of them have come for me; not that I would have seen them, but Andras would never pass up the opportunity to throw something like that in my face. He would revel after killing those I cared about.

I lose all thought when the witch pulls my abdomen apart, tearing through every muscle, exposing whatever it is she wants to play with today. My eyes scrunch and my breath ceases from the blinding pain. I hear Bren suck in air and send him a warning look; he knows I don’t want him to expose the depth of our relationship. It would just hurt us both.

Imogen giggles, poking at the different organs she sees inside of me. “Hm, which one should I play with today, Anellah?” I don’t answer, and I keep my face as blank as I possibly can. She doesn’t enjoy this unless I give her reactions; so the quicker I can dive into that numbness, the faster she leaves. She scoffs and makes another attempt to get to me, using her fingernail to scratch at specific places in the cavity. I think of Calix in these moments…when I need a reminder of how important it is to stay in control.

“Dammit, Anellah,” my best friend sighs, clearly feeling frustrated with me. Well, I’m frustrated, too! He’s throwing water spikes at me, while beating me bloody, and he expects me not to get scared? “You cannot keep doing this. You are a god, Nell. You will heal if one of these hits you.”

“Well, I’m so sorry I don’t want to feel the pain in the first place.” I cross my arms and groan to the sky. Calix and I are at one of the outdoor arenas in Anclona, where the demi-gods live and train. The light breeze hits my sweaty skin, and tranquility courses through me at the salty smell. Water has always calmed me down and allowed me to collect myself. I think that’s why it’s Calix’s weapon of choice today.

I open my eyes to see him watching me, waiting for me to decide if I’m walking away or not. I want to, but I know he’s just trying to help me. It’s not fair to take my anger out on him just because he’s a difficult trainer. That’s what makes him the best. I look him over; he’s very beautiful, that much has always been obvious. Especially with the way other females trip over nothing when they see him. But I’ve never seen him as more than a brother. His muscular body and deep blue eyes would pull me in if he were any other male. But not him…he’s my safe space. Maybe not right now, though. Sweat covers his skin, and his light blonde hair could really use a wash.

Focus, Nell.

He’s also right, though; I need to overcome my fear of being attacked. If this were an actual war, the enemy wouldn’t stop just because I told them to. They would use that weakness to their advantage and likely kill me.

“All right,” I wave my hand at him, “let’s hear what you have to say.”

He smirks, triumph evident in his gaze; but he quickly wipes that away, approaching me with a serious look. “Nell, breathe. You will be hurt no matter what you do or where you go. That’s the curse of life. So, you can either let the fear and pain control you, or you can control them. Your mind is your most powerful tool.” He taps on my temple. “Use it to your advantage.”

The bastard is still right. Imogen wins if I give her the reaction she’s looking for, so I need to sink into my mind and will myself not to feel.

Numbness is my friend.

I take a deep, deep breath and close my eyes, willing my friend to take over my consciousness. Imogen continues to tear at my organs while I find solace in my bonds. Andras isn’t here, so it’s safe for me to open that door and think of them.

I imagine I’m laying in the grass, next to the waterfall, smushed between my two males. Casmir’s stunning face is in front of me, giving me that familiar look that says there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. He kisses me deeply, and I run my fingers through his dark hair. I wrap the strands tightly around my hand, as if I’ll never get the chance to hold them again. We break the kiss, his forest eyes glistening with the love I wish I could feel.

Emrys turns my chin, suddenly laying on top of me while his arms hold most of his weight. I move one hand to his soft, perfect, curly hair, keeping my other in Cas’s. I pull him to me, and we find a rhythm with each other; kissing and touching, rubbing our bodies together like we could combine our souls and just be one.

They are perfect.

I imagine being sprawled across both of them, because how could I ever go one second without touching them? Xamira jumps, planting herself in my abdomen—

Pain.

My jaw tightens. No, change the image.

She plants herself next to me, in between Cas and Em, and we all find peace in the fading day. I’m smiling and laughing at the stories they tell, so mesmerized at how real this feels.

They are home. I will myself to stay alive long enough to tell them that.

The numbness holds onto me, taking the pain that I’m too cowardly to feel.

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