Page 32 of Of Gods and Pain

Disfigured notes infuse the tense atmosphere, creating an aura of bittersweet emotion. My muscles tighten at the song Casmir brings to life; it’s not one I’ve heard him play before. It’s haunting. It feels as if fragile shadows embrace me with open, eager arms, but are consumed with malignant intentions.

I lean against the wall, just out of sight from my prince. The words I want to say to him are thick. Stuck in my throat with all the emotions threatening to pour out. So I let his song speak for me, as it’s saying more than I know how to.

He will never cease to amaze me in the way that he plays. The notes are just as much a part of him as his organs. I can hear the thoughts devouring his mind and feel the emotions he hides from everyone else. He’s incredible. A tingling sensation skates up my arms and curls around my neck, making me shiver.

I’m an asshole. I keep taking my frustrations out on him when he’s going through the same thing. He’s missing her, too.

I peel myself from the wall, walking around the corner towards my friend. He doesn’t look up as I sit next to him on the bench, continuing to stroke the keys as if their sound is the only thing holding him together. The music slows; I can sense it coming to an end, but it doesn’t sound right. It feels off.

When he abruptly stops playing, I understand why: the story isn’t finished yet.

Weighted emotion grips my heart, squeezing it until the point of pain. I reach for the hand Casmir rested on his thigh, curling my fingers through his. The tension encasing his muscles relaxes a little as we sit together in silence. I’m enjoying this moment between us, but I need to say this.

“I’m sorry.” Cas stiffens, looking out the window towards the waning day.

“For what, exactly?” His voice is strained, plucking at the shame I feel for how I treated him.

“I wasn’t fair to you. She is your soul bond as well. You want her back just as much as I do. You’re hurting just like I am.” His mossy eyes meet mine. “You just handle things better than me, and it was wrong of me to take my anger out on you. None of this is your fault, and I’m sorry.”

He squeezes my hand, the hint of a smile cresting his face. We watch each other for a few moments, his brows furrowing as he searches my eyes for something. It seems like he’s about to say something, but decides against it. He nods, standing and releasing my hand. Jasmine cuts open my senses as he walks past, leaving me alone.

I don’t have the greatest reputation; I know I can be a bastard sometimes. But this feels different. My stomach rolls at the thought.

It feels like I did irrevocable damage. Like our relationship will never be the same.

But I won’t let that happen. He’s not leaving me, too.

Chapter Fifteen

Anellah

Groaning, I attempt to adjust my body, only to be hit with an internal wall.

That’s right, Andras shoved me in this chilly, wet room again and took away my control as punishment.

As if I deserve to be punished…but that doesn’t matter to him. It makes no difference that I was doing what he told me to do. Honestly, I think he threw me into that fight knowing I’d beat Imogen within an inch of her life, solely so he had an excuse to punish me.

Not that he’s ever needed an excuse before, so I’m not sure why that would matter to him now.

I take a deep breath and wince from the effort; he didn’t allow me to heal, telling me that I deserve to heal naturally like Imogen will need to.

Fucking pussy.

He’s probably scared of me, seeing how much damage I can do from such a weakened state. I was an idiot to show everything I had, but I was too focused on trivial things to care at that moment. Now he’ll keep me in here again.

I should have just let her kill me.

I can’t do this anymore; I need to either leave or die. I always thought I’d be stronger than this. The first time Andras held me here, I was expecting to be imprisoned and tortured for thirty years. I mean, fuck, I even held out for three years that time and I can’t go a couple months now? What’s so different?

Dumb question. I know exactly what’s different.

My bonds.

It would be better for them if I weren’t alive. They wouldn’t have to worry about me, think about saving me, or fight on my behalf. They would be free of the fated connection. Sure, they may be sad about my death for a while, but they have each other.

And Xamira…she would go with me, but that would be for the best. She wouldn’t want to live without me. It would be okay.

My heart aches. The pit in my chest is so heavy and more painful than any of the injuries I have from yesterday. I miss them all so much. I just selfishly wish I had the chance to see them once more before I left this life for good. Maybe this is fate’s way of saying I shouldn’t have left Casmir and Emrys; not after triggering the bond. That was selfish of me.

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