Page 59 of Of Gods and Pain

“I don’t believe you.” He slides against the window, positioning himself directly in front of me. Our chests almost brush against each other, and it’s painful to keep my breathing even.

I ignore his words, looking over his shoulder to avoid facing whatever is about to happen here.

I don’t know if I’m ready.

“Em.” I jolt when his warm hand runs up my arm. My abdomen flexes as a fluttering sensation takes over the area; my throat tightens and suddenly swallowing seems like the loudest thing I could ever do.

I need to leave. I’m not ready to face these emotions, especially when I can’t even spell them out for myself. I don’t know how to handle this because I don’t understand what I’m actually feeling. I turn to leave the room, not missing the disappointment that crosses Cas’s face. Was I just imagining that?

“Emrys,” the power in his tone halts me. My limbs are frozen, trembling I think, as I wait for him to…well, I don’t know what I’m waiting for. Something has changed between us, and I know he feels it; but this is all new, and I’m clueless about how to navigate.

The air in the room shrivels up when I feel his presence close the distance between us. I suck in a breath when his feather-light touch grazes my waist as he walks too slowly around my body, stopping in front of me again.

Fuck, I am so out of my depth here.

I have only caught glimpses of the look in his eye over the years. But he’s not sheltering it now. No, that look is pure, raw desire. And it’s directed at me.

I can’t breathe.

With the amount of times we’ve fucked others together, I wouldn’t expect to feel so vulnerable. This is so much different from those moments. This is intimate, but strangely familiar. Comfortable, and yet so fucking terrifying.

“It’s okay, Em,” he whispers, filling the tense space between our bodies. “I want what you want, and I think it’s time we stop running from it.” My brow furrows. Is he saying what I think he’s saying?

The gates to my concealed thoughts crack, and I’m overwhelmed with longing. I do want him…I’ve been in love with this male since we were young, but I’ve never had the courage to say something. How could he feel the same about me? He knows my background; he knows how fucked up I am. How irresponsible, impulsive, angry…he’s seen every terrible, disgusting part of me and yet he’s still standing here, telling me he feels the same? I don’t know what to say.

He smirks, reading me like his favorite book, before stepping closer, brushing my sizzling skin against the soft fabric of his shirt. “It’s okay,” he repeats, glancing down at my lips in question. Is this actually happening?

It definitely is, because not one second later does he wrap his hand around my neck, pulling me to him and kissing me softly. It’s hesitant, like he’s not sure if he made a wrong assumption or not. He pulls back after a moment, searching my face for answers.

“This is what you want?” My voice is rough, anticipation searing through my veins.

His molten gaze meets mine, our noses grazing with each breath. “Yes,” he breathes. “I’ve wanted you for so long, Em. From the moment I first saw you, I knew we were destined for each other's lives. At the time, I thought I'd have a lifelong friend. I just didn't know that I'd grow to love you as more.” I wince at the memory of being a starving, cold, withering boy. Alone on the streets of Anloria, hopelessly waiting for something good to happen for once.

It wasn’t hopeless, though.

He found me.

“Why do you think I tried forcing you to come to the castle, Em?” His other hand runs from my chest to the back of my neck, holding my head where he wants. “It wasn’t because I’m nice, or generous. I’m selfish. My world—my soul—shredded the second I looked into your eyes. It told me to keep you by my side. Now I know that was the bond, but I know I would have made the same decision without it.” I meet the green of his; golden specks illuminate the shadows, and uncertainty swims through the bright colors. He’s worried I’m going to reject him.

He has no fucking clue how long I’ve waited for this.

I’m done waiting.

I smash our lips together and he rears back at the force, holding me tightly to keep us connected.

He tastes like every smile we’ve ever shared. Like the way it feels to lie beneath the sun on a warm day, with no worries to plague every thought. He tastes like the first time I saw our soul bond; the crushing, axis-tilting electricity that shot through every pore the second she entered our lives.

He tastes like mine.

I groan, giving into whatever the fuck this is and gripping his waist tightly. His hard muscles feel unbelievable, and I wonder what it would be like to have his naked body writhing against mine.

I break away from him, pulling his head back to look at him fully. Desire is weeping from his hooded eyes, and I know we’re thinking the same thing.

“Kneel,” I command, my tone stern and demanding. One corner of his mouth lifts as he takes a step back and slowly lowers himself to the floor, never taking his gaze from mine. Once he’s on the ground, he lifts his shirt over his head, throwing it to the side and waiting for direction.

He looks phenomenal like this. I have the urge to map his skin with my tongue.

We watch each other, both conflicted about this twist in our relationship. The confidence I felt a moment ago falters, and I’m falling back into the dark. But Cas sees it; he knows me.

---