Page 51 of Of Gods and Pain

“No. I won’t. Because I know you; you’re too scared to admit any of this to yourself, so I’ll do it for you. I don’t give a shit if you don’t want to hear it, or if you think you can’t handle it.”

“Stop,” barely a whisper leaves my mouth. I’m falling into the pit of darkness inside of me that hides everything I can’t stand to think about. I don’t want to be here. I can’t be here. I won’t come out of it alive.

“Why, so you can hide some more?” The air shifts, and his voice deepens. “No, we’re done hi—” He flies back, slamming into a window with enough force to break a weaker males spine. But when he pushes himself up to all fours, he’s grinning.

“That’s it? All of that trauma, and all you can produce is one lousy flick of magic—”

I scream and swipe an arm at him, sending him rolling across the room.

“Fuck, I told you to stop!” He’s on his back, breathing deeply, when he laughs.

“Stop what? Telling you the truth? Just because it’s not what you want to hear, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.” He leaps to his feet, looking every bit the warrior he’s trained to be.

This time when he sends attacks my way, I don’t hold back. He wanted to unleash me? Here I am.

I show him exactly what I’m capable of, letting his fire hit me, melding it in with my own to create a new suit made of impenetrable flames. His eyes widen when he realizes what I’m doing, and that nothing he has will get to me. I feel my eyes glowing with the force of the magic seeping through my pores.

I was right. I can’t control it…but I no longer want to.

I launch magic from all sides, forcing him to spin constantly to dodge each element that chases him. It feels like my skin is peeling back from my muscles, being pushed by a force I was trying so hard to keep down. The pressure is almost too much. I don’t think I’ll be able to hold it for long.

I ignore the storm pounding my insides as I continue to attack the insufferable male running in circles. I’m content to keep at this for hours. Gods know he deserves it…but then he starts laughing. Laughing! Like this is just some silly game to him and not my entire fucking world; my whole being, disintegrating into flimsy pieces.

Everything hits me at once: the pain, anxiety, loneliness, fear, hopelessness, anger, regret, emptiness. All the memories I’ve been trying to drown. Each moment of peace where I felt safe and was proven wrong. The many, many times I huddled behind my numb friend. The touches that were forced onto my body, and the sounds that were involuntarily wrenched from me. The countless times I dared to hope for more than the worst. Every moment I thought that giving my soul to the eternal darkness was infinitely better than this.

A surge of magic bursts from me, so heavy that the windows warp, rippling slightly before straightening to their natural state. The weapons groan against the wall, clanging to the ground in sync when the magic releases them. I hear a grunt, followed by a splash of water, and several other noises of movement.

But I don’t check what they are as I fall to the ground, hunched over on my knees with my face buried in the dark comfort of my hands. I do what Em suggested: I let it all out. I cry.

I cry for the old me, the naïve me who thought it would be an amazing adventure to visit a new realm. I cry for the me who realized what betrayal was for the first time. For the me who had her body used against her and lost the light behind her eyes. For the me who thought she grew up being abused by the adults that were supposed to protect her. For the me who still holds those memories, even though they weren’t real. For the me who was taken by the same one that first betrayed her. For the me who thought the only thing I wanted in life was to make my parents proud, but quickly learned that it will never be as simple as that.

When I’m done crying for the negatives, I sob even more for the me who was lucky enough to find her soul bonds. The me who has never known such undiluted happiness, and comfort, as I do around them. For the me that is so insanely grateful to have met them, even with all the trouble meeting them will cause in the near future. I cry for the me who felt so free falling off that mountain, and who just wants nothing but that kind of peace again.

Why can’t I have that peace?

What did I do to deserve this?

Once I’ve shed a tear for each repressed emotion stumbling out of me, I cry even more just to do it. It feels so incredibly good. And when the tears finally stop, I breathe deeply into the muscled chest I didn’t realize was surrounding me.

A wet, muscled chest. Did I really get him this soaked?

I lean back and see his brown curls falling over his forehead, water dripping from their ends. I giggle at the absurdity of everything that just happened. His returning smile lights up the shadows that have been conquering my soul for so long.

“Feel better?” I nod, wrapping my arms around him and resting my forehead against his.

“Thank you,” I breathe. I don’t think I’m healed, or cured, or whatever; but I definitely feel lighter. My resolve is stronger, and my will to try is flickering in the back of my mind, no longer a rotting corpse.

His hands hold my waist tightly, and I’m acutely aware of every spot our bodies press together. He must be, too, because he groans, one hand sliding up my spine to grab the base of my neck. A pained expression manipulates his features.

“Fuck,” he curses to himself. “I can’t wait.” His lips crash into mine, and every nerve inside of me sparks with heat. I pull him closer, needing to fuse our beings together.

I don’t have time to waste right now, my soul calls to him. It’s begging for the connection, and he’s more than happy to serve. He rips my top down the middle, exposing my tingling skin to his as I pull his shirt off. Our mouths stay tangled together as he lifts me and somehow manages to undress the rest of us. I wrap my legs around his waist and moan into his mouth at the contact. He tenses, as if he’s trying to hold himself back.

Muted leather hits my nose, mixing with the sweet taste of his tongue, and I become ravenous. His hands grasp my hips, grinding my pelvis into his, and I whimper at the cold metal running along my arousal. He grins into our kiss, rolling my hips on him as he leads us to gods know where. I don’t care, either.

He could walk right into the city, and I wouldn’t notice at this point.

He sits on a bench, frantically kissing his way down my jaw and over my neck. I’m basically panting as he sucks one of my overly sensitive nipples into his mouth, biting down slightly. The twinge of pain makes me jerk my hips, and his groan massages my skin.

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