Page 50 of Of Gods and Pain

“Yeah, yeah, I get what you’re doing. It’s not going to work. I don’t want to hurt you.”

He steps closer, his eyes heating as he bends down to speak next to my ear. “Are you sure about that, love? I’ve already gotten more words out of you today than you’ve spoken all week.” He places the lightest kiss on my neck and I shudder, my eyes flitting closed. “You also forget that I can smell just how much this is working.” He leans back with a wicked smirk on his face.

Fuck. I did forget that; and he’s right. I can feel the wet heat building between my legs. I cross my arms and feign annoyance.

“So your plan is to just turn me on and then reject me again?” That came out a little harsher than I meant it to, but the desire in his eyes only grows.

“If that’s how you want to play,” his eyes roam down my heated body, “then I am more than happy to make you work for it.”

“You want me to beg for your dick? As if it’s the gods’ gift to this realm?”

“Love.” He pinches my chin, forcing my gaze to his. “You are the gods’ gift to this realm. But that doesn’t mean I won’t make you beg to have my cock thrusting into your throbbing cunt.” He releases me and laughs when I swing my leg up to kick him in said cock, just missing since he jumps away.

“There she is!” He’s practically bouncing off the walls with excitement, and it takes everything in me to hide my smile. He’s intoxicating. “You want to try kicking me for an hour? Go ahead. Maybe you’d like to punch this unbelievably handsome face in,” he grins. “Or perhaps throw all of your magic at me? I don’t give a fuck. Let it out, Nell.”

He’s watching me carefully, eager for my response. But my decision hasn’t changed: I don’t want to hurt him. And I don’t trust myself to be in control right now. So I shake my head before muttering, “No.”

He takes a deep breath before widening his feet into a fighting stance. “Fine. Just remember that I tried to play nice.” What does that mean?

I find out not one second later as he throws a dagger made of fire towards my face. I swipe a hand, easily dissipating it before it reaches me. But there’s another one already close and I stumble slightly, not having been prepared for the attack.

It doesn’t stop, though; he keeps throwing them at different speeds, from various directions. I’m actually annoyed now.

“Enough.” My voice is hard and I catch the last dagger in my hand, holding it as if it were made of tangible material. His eyes widen at the sight, but he recovers his playful demeanor quickly. “What the fuck are you doing? I said I don’t want to fight.”

“I don’t fucking care what you want, Nell. You will stay in this room until I’m satisfied with your progress.”

“Excuse me?” I stomp forward, ready to take him up on the offer to punch his face in. “Did we not have this conversation recently? You have no control over me!”

He raises an eyebrow, and a corner of his mouth lifts. “Then why are you still here? Like you said, you can leave if you really want. So. Leave.” I halt, my eyebrows pressing together.

Why am I staying? He couldn’t force me to do anything if I didn’t allow it…do I want to be here? To let him tell me what to do? My pride doesn’t allow me to answer, so I cross my arms and my shoulders slump.

He nods. “That’s what I thought. So, let’s play.” I guess I could just block his advances; at least that won’t harm him.

He hurls different objects made of flames at me, and I fall into the familiar movement of using the muscles needed to train and fight. It feels good. Really good. I toss each of his attacks aside, letting some of them get close enough to feel their heat taste my skin. After several minutes, I can sense his frustration; he wants me to participate. But I still don’t trust myself. I haven’t been able to properly use my magic for decades…and trying to wield it when my head is this fuzzy, and against one of my soul bonds, no less? Yeah, that’s not happening.

His eyes narrow, and I can tell he’s considering the best way to get a reaction from me.

“What are you scared of, love? Because if it’s truly about hurting me, then I don’t think you could even if you tried.” His goading slides right over me, and I just stare at him.

“Or are you afraid you’ll hurt yourself?” I blink, keeping my face neutral as he continues to taunt me with his words and his fire.

“Actually, no, that’s not it.” His head tilts, the movement very animalistic. “I think you’re afraid that you’re not good enough.” I freeze, and his eyes light with satisfaction. He knows he’s hit a sore spot. “You think that after so long without your magic, you’ll just disappoint everyone around you when you can’t use it properly. And you’re too scared to even try.”

“Stop.” My breathing quickens, and my lips press together.

“I get it…you went through something unspeakable. You’re constantly in your head, wondering why you no longer feel like your body is your own. But why are you letting that affect your magic?”

“I said stop.”

“Why, Nell? Why are you using your trauma as an excuse to cover up the insecurities you had long before coming to Earth? Because we all know you felt this way before Andras took everything from you.”

“Emrys.” My voice is hard and shaky. My fists clench, and a knot forms at the base of my throat.

“Just answer the question, and I’ll leave. We’ll be done.” He steps towards me, his gaze determined. “You can’t hide behind that wall forever. You keep using each trauma to cover you from the rest. Picking the one to hold hands with that seems most bearable that day. But you’re not going to heal from that. You need to face them all, not follow in their shadows.” My face heats while my bottom lip trembles. I can’t do this right now.

“Fucking stop, Em!”

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