Page 28 of Of Gods and Pain

I sit up, grasping my throat as I wheeze in sweet, beautiful air. The crimson decor around me takes a few moments to stop spinning and settle in place. I swipe a hand over my face to remove the sopping wet hair stuck to it; but it barely does the job as I’m shaking so badly and do not have control over my fingers.

“Anellah?” A raspy voice fills the air, and all at once I realize what just happened.

I feel guilty for playing house with Andras. I know Cas and Em would never do such horrific things to me, but that doesn’t stop the self-shaming thoughts. And now, apparently, the dreams.

“What’s wrong, my sweet?” A large hand grasps my arm, and I jolt.

“Sorry—I’m sorry,” my voice is a quivering whisper. “Just a bad dream.” My chest tightens as my throat becomes full of something I can’t swallow down.

I can’t think. I need to get away from him before I fully panic.

I jump out of the enormous bed and run to the bathroom before he can say anything else, yelling over my shoulder. “I just need a shower, and I’ll be fine!” Slamming the door closed, I listen for any movement coming closer but hear none.

I take a long while sitting under the heavy, warm spray of the shower, allowing myself to be wrapped in its pressured embrace. After some time, I’m able to steady my breathing and keep the worst of the panic at bay.

I can’t let it get to me right now. I can’t afford to lose it, not when this is the closest thing to freedom I’ve had in weeks.

Andras has put no controls on me, which is foolish of him, but I won’t voice that opinion. He hasn’t even done to me what he did to Bren and the other staff—putting a command in my head that I would only follow during a specific situation.

I can’t tell if he trusts me or is testing me. Probably the latter, so I need to keep my head level and eyes open to any opportunity.

He says nothing as I leave the bathroom; just siphons his daily dose of magic and dresses me in thick, white pants and a white long-sleeve shirt. Awareness slithers down my pale skin at the sight of his clothing choice, so I straighten my spine and keep a calm exterior, following him to the dining area.

The hollow pit in my chest screams when I step into the room and am reminded of the last time I was here. When I’d just met Casmir and Emrys. It seems like so long ago, and I want to tear each strand of my hair out for allowing myself to be so stupid with every decision.

I fell for Andras. Twice. I followed my soul bonds and fell in love with them. Then I left them, thinking I was doing the right thing.

And in the end, just fucked everything up for everyone.

My mother has always been right about me, I guess—I’m nothing but a disappointment.

Staff stand silently at the side of the room, and I internally cringe that I used to think they were just doing their job. I suppose they are, but not willingly.

Andras prepares a plate of fruits, eggs, and bread for me; I take a few bites and pick at the rest. I feel bad for wasting food that I would have given nearly anything for back in Chago, but I’ve barely eaten in weeks and can already feel my stomach turning at the little I swallowed down.

“Eat, Anellah. You will need your strength today.” My eyes snap to his. The iciness in his gaze overtakes the rest of his sharp features, and I immediately have the urge to look away. I don’t, though; I keep us locked in this internal war.

He’s watching me carefully, and I can only assume it’s to gather any reaction I have to what he says or does. But I know better and keep my face neutral, taking the bait he’s dangling in front of me.

“Why do I need my strength today?”

That makes him smile. He leans back in his colorless chair, interlacing his fingers on his lap. “Well, since you’ve finally come to your senses,” he gives me a pointed look, “I think it’s time you train again. Don’t you?”

“You want me to train?”

“Of course,” he huffs out an exasperated breath, as if the idea of him not wanting that is absurd. “You are to be my queen and will need your strength back. I told you before that the things I did to you were your choice; now that you’re choosing the right way, there’s no need for me to keep you weak any longer.” He stares into my fuzzy soul as I fight to keep my composure.

My choice?

I’ve seen his delusion many times now, and yet it still shocks me to my blackened core.

“Come,” he states when I say nothing. I follow him to the back of the castle, where the training building sits.

My eyes sweep over the area where I set up a picnic for us, before he showed my ignorant self his true colors. I wrench my gaze away, not wanting to think about how Casmir looked when he found me on the ground. Bloody. How he nearly ripped Andras’s heart out, and how I crave to go back in time and convince him to do it.

All of this would’ve been over.

Muffled voices and cheers get louder as we approach the building, becoming thunderous as we enter. The arena is full of soldiers, all forming a circle around what I think are others fighting in the center? The brutes in front of me block the area, so I'm not sure. I stay behind the prince as he pushes his way to the front.

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