Page 18 of Of Gods and Pain

“I’m sorry, sweetheart, I shouldn’t have brought it up. You can call me whatever you want.” I nod slightly, and my lip trembles. Does she really mean that? “Hey…look at me, Emrys.” I do.

“I am not upset with you. I will never be upset with anything you call me. Do you understand?” I nod with more confidence and she hesitantly pulls me into a hug, as if she’s allowing me the chance to say no. I let her.

She squeezes me tightly, and my breathing becomes easier. The pressure in my chest fades, and I no longer feel like throwing up.

A tear rolls down my cheek. No one has ever hugged me before. I feel safe. Loved.

Is this what mothers are supposed to be like?

I shudder, shaking my head to shove the confusing memory away. Teryn faces me, walking over to the seat next to where I’m leaning. She takes her time sitting and getting comfortable; I suspect she’s not very comfortable in any position anymore. I want to ask her about it, but she’s trying so hard to be strong. I know it would hurt her spirit.

“Do you love Anellah as well?” She whispers, reaching forward to grasp my hand in her cold, thin ones. She looks tired today.

“Of course I do,” my voice is light, and I smile at her. “I wish I had the chance to tell her before…” I trail off, never able to finish the truth.

Teryn nods, her pale eyes narrowing on me slightly. “And have you told Casmir?”

I jerk back, my brows furrowing. “What?” She smirks, giving me a knowing look. I bite the inside of my cheek hard enough that the warm, tangy taste of my blood strikes my tongue.

“I see you, Emrys.” She stands, walking next to me, and I pivot to face her. She cups my face, rubbing her thumb along my cheek. “I’ve always seen you. What you’re feeling is okay.” A sharp pain hits my chest, and I’m left staring at an empty space as she kisses me lightly on the cheek and walks towards her room.

I don’t move for several minutes, my consciousness glued to the sticky walls of my muddled brain. Was she talking about what I think she was? Or am I just so fucked up from this whole situation that I can’t comprehend a simple conversation?

“You okay?” My head snaps to my right, where Casmir stands with his hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I mutter without confidence, looking past him to the seating area.

“You sure?” I hear the smirk in his voice. “Because I said your name twice, and you didn’t respond.” Did he? I don’t recall.

I step around him, my hand rubbing the back of my neck. “Yeah. Just stressing over everything, as usual.” He nods, narrowing his eyes for a second before his face straightens out.

We grab our things to leave, and I follow Cas to our horses, ready to go home. My palm shifts to rub deeply along my sternum; there’s still a tugging ache there that I don’t know what to do with.

Fuck, why did her words hurt so badly?

Chapter Nine

Anellah

Deep, disorienting pain slithers up my leg, causing my entire body to tremble in its effort to not scream. I let the numbness take over my senses, willing all feeling to stop.

I can’t do this today. I’m breaking.

My thoughts snap to my bonds: my sweet Xamira, charming Casmir, and passionate Emrys. Tears fill the backs of my eyes, and I allow myself this moment of despair since Andras will think it’s just my reaction to his cruelty.

What are they doing right now? I pray to my parents, to the other six gods, that they cannot feel anything through our bond. I begged them not to come for me, and I told Xamira just as much, but I know what I would do if the situation were reversed. I wouldn’t listen. I would burn every. Fucking. Inch. Of this realm to the ground to save each of them. No one would be safe from my wrath, not even Calix. So I know they must be completely torn about what to do, and I hope they continue to have better judgment than me. Andras would slaughter them and fuck me on their corpses.

But at the same time…a very, very selfish part of me wishes they would come here, anyway. Andras is going to kill me eventually, especially now that my lousy escape attempt has forced him to be more careful. Seeing them one more time would be my only wish.

I won’t allow myself to pray for that, however. Even though Xamira would die with me, my males deserve to live; and sure it will hurt them at first, losing me, but the two of them will have each other. They will have a chance…

Well, maybe not.

If Andras’s only plan was to invade Europa, I wouldn’t be so worried. But sometimes I listen to his rambling while he’s in here having his fun with me. He’s mentioned another realm. One with demons. He wishes to open a bridge between Earth and this supposed realm. That would allow him to not only have an army full of fae, but an army of creatures that are unknown to even those of us who have access to all history.

Does this realm actually exist? If it does, none of the other gods have spoken of it. I’ve read about demons in the human world, though would they be the same horrific creatures described on the worn pages I’ve seen? I’m afraid to ask Andras anything about this idea of his because I don’t want him to stop talking about it. If he thinks I’m interested in the subject, he will get suspicious and hide it from me. Or give me false information just to fuck with my head.

So I keep quiet. Waiting and listening for him to speak more about this other realm and how he plans to create a bridge. I hope that one of these days I will have just enough magic to reach my bonds and be able to convey the information to them. Delivering the news in person would be ideal, but impossible. A heavy wave of emotion flows through my chest, wiping away everything and leaving a gaping hole where I used to feel my connection to my bonds.

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