Page 17 of Of Gods and Pain

Warmth envelops my flesh, and I nuzzle deeper into it. I haven’t slept that long in…well, since Nell. I feel achingly well rested. The thrumming in my chest roars, constricting every muscle until I feel as though it will burst.

I shouldn’t be resting well while he still has her. After Niair and I spoke yesterday, I’ve concluded that there’s fucking nothing we can do. I guess I already knew that, but admitting it to myself is an entirely new pain.

She’s my soul bond…everything I want to live for…and I can’t protect her? I can’t save her? I can’t do anything except get good sleep and wait for something to fall out of the sky and help us?

It’s unacceptable.

My stomach threatens to invert and consume what little soul I have holding on to me. Something shifts an—no, someone shifts. I peel my eyes open, my breath ceasing when I see Casmir pressed up against me with my arm under his head. I was so comfortable I didn’t realize my best friend was cuddling with me. His breathing is even while his lashes flutter against my chest.

I wonder what he’s dreaming about.

He looks so peaceful. The deep lines in his forehead—that I've recently thought were permanent—are smoothed out. His warm breath coats my miserable heart, and I smile. This is…nice. Really nice.

I close my eyes and allow myself another moment of peace before sliding myself off the bed, careful not to wake my prince. A quiet chuckle floats past my lips at the way he’s splayed, his limbs amusingly tangled with the sheets. Shaking my head, I dress in my leathers and venture to the kitchen. Teryn is here, standing next to a window, watching as life passes in its morning frenzy. I don’t want to disturb her, so I turn around, intending to go back to my room.

“You won’t even greet me, Emrys?” I halt, wincing at the raspy voice that is still facing the window.

“Sorry, Teryn. I assumed you didn’t wish to be bothered,” I mutter, easing myself back into the space and leaning over the counter on my elbows.

I think of them as my parents. Unofficially. But I’ve never been able to call them mom or dad. They've told me I can, but each time I think of those words, I remember the monster that birthed me and the asshole who never cared enough to help. I can’t associate those titles with Niair and Teryn; no, they’re too good for that. They deserve so much more respect.

There was a day when Teryn stopped insisting I call her mother. I think she gathered what that word meant to me, and from then on we’ve had this unspoken understanding between us.

“Emrys, could you grab the two greens just behind you?” Teryn asks, her voice smooth and soothing. I turn around and look through the jars of paint she has, finding the colors she needs. One is a bright green that looks like the sun was packed in there with it. The other is deeper, almost like the color of a forest. It reminds me of Cas’s eyes.

“Here you go, Teryn!” She smiles brightly, taking the jars and setting them on her worktable.

“Thank you, sweetheart.” She ruffles my hair and laughs when it gets a rise out of me. She knows I don’t like it touched…I styled it perfectly today! After she turns back to her canvas, I spin to go find my friend. Maybe he wants to practice our magic together.

“Emrys,” she calls before I get to the door. “You can call me mom, you know. I love you just as much as I do, Casmir. I think of you both as my boys.”

I wring my hands together, sweat gathering on the back of my neck. How could I possibly tell her it would make me sick to call her the same thing as Mother? She wouldn’t understand. And I don’t want to make her sad.

“Emrys?” I jolt, whirling around to find her watching me curiously.

“Um, well, I just—” My breathing quickens from the tightening in my chest. I swear the room is getting smaller. “I don’t know. I can call you that if you’d like.”

She sets her brush down, wiping her hands on her paint-stained apron, and focuses all her attention on me.

Please don’t make me tell.

Please don’t make me tell.

Please don’t make me tell.

“It’s okay if you don’t, sweetheart,” her voice is softer. “I just want you to be comfortable, and for you to know that’s an option if you’d prefer it.”

She’s giving me a choice? So I could still call her Teryn instead of mother? Would that upset her?

What if I don’t call her what she wants? She’ll punish me for it. She’ll make me service two tonight instead of just one. No. No, I really, really don’t want that.

Please, gods, I don’t want to have two. I’m so tired of it. It makes me really sad…but I’ve told her that before and she laughed. She doesn’t care if I’m sad; actually, I think it makes her happy.

No, I have to call her mother like she asked. It’s the only way because I can’t take another punishment right now. I just can—

“Emrys!” Someone shakes me, and my surroundings slowly come back. Teryn is standing in front of me, horror written across her face. I feel really sick, and I’m lightheaded. I shake in her hold, completely out of breath. What just happened?

She searches my face before realizing something, though she doesn’t tell me what. Her eyes blur, but she blinks it away and kneels before me, gripping my arms like she’ll never let me go back.

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