Page 16 of Of Gods and Pain

But it’s just too much sometimes. I’m doing my best.

“Cas,” mom calls, her voice raspier than I remember. She tilts her head toward the door that will lead to her garden. “Walk with me.” Emrys squeezes my side before dropping his hand and talking with father about potential options.

I walk with her at a leisurely pace, her arm wrapped through mine for support. She’s silent for several minutes, her brows creased like she’s deep in thought.

The air is crisp, with the remnants of the cold season drifting past. The sun is a welcome embrace, hugging my skin as if it knows just how much I need it. I haven’t stopped working in weeks, and the effects of that weigh heavily on me.

I’m so tired.

“So, Anellah. The goddess,” mom starts, pointedly looking at her plants instead of me. “Do you love her?” I startle at the question. In my nearly one-hundred years of life, I have never been in love with anyone enough to talk about it with my parents.

Well…that’s not exactly true.

“Yes. My soul calls to hers.” She nods, squeezing my arm gently.

“Tell me what she’s like.” She looks at me then, and the spark in her eyes makes my breath hitch. I haven’t seen that in a long time.

“She’s incredible,” I smile to myself. “She’s strong, so smart, and just as stubborn as Emrys.” She chuckles. “I look at her and see the sun. The second I met her, it was like a filter lifted from my head, allowing me to see clearly for the first time. She’s the missing piece to every question I’ve ever had.

“She inspires me, mom. The things she’s gone through…” My vision blurs, and a tightness forms in my throat. “Resilient doesn’t come close to describing her. She’s fucking perfect. I miss her…I feel so off balance without her here,” my voice breaks, and I come out of my daze, not realizing we stopped moving and my mother is staring up at me with the biggest smile.

She cups my cheek, searching my face. “I can’t wait to meet her, Cas.” I return the grin, gesturing for us to continue our walk. She grazes her fingers over the breeze, almost like she’s greeting an old friend.

“And Emrys?” She questions, halting the relaxed silence.

“What about him?” She gives me a knowing look, amusement crossing her features.

“How is he handling things?”

I let my head drop back, taking a moment to be with the bright sky above me. “He’s taken everything really hard. It’s been…difficult.” I don’t want to speak for him. He may be comfortable around our parents, but there are things he won’t even share with me.

“Are you helping each other cope?” Interesting questions she has for me today.

“I suppose as much as one friend can help another, yes,” my tone comes out hesitant, lacking its usual confidence.

“Hmm,” is her only response. The rest of our unhurried walk is muted, as we both lose ourselves to the thoughts weaving their way through our heads.

It has been many years since I last slept under the same roof as my parents. Em and I could have gone back to the castle, but I think we both just need a slight break from being relied on. I love my people, and my city, but their need for me is disorienting sometimes.

I’m laying in bed, willing my restless brain to calm down so I can sleep for once. It’s not working. My chest feels like it’s caving inward, and I can't seem to stop shaking my leg.

Today was hard; I never wanted to come here with these issues. I didn’t want to tell them about Nell, because it just made her kidnapping that much more real. And the talk with my mother?

No, stop. Thinking about it over and over won’t help anything, or make it go away. You’re just making it worse for yourself.

I take a deep breath, running my hands over my face.

“This is fucking stupid,” I mutter to myself as I throw the sheets off my tingling skin and leave the guest room. I walk across the hall to where Em is staying, knocking lightly before cracking open the door.

I know he’s awake. I can feel his discomposure as if it were my own. He’s laying on the large bed, facing the ceiling, and his gaze turns my way when I enter. I want to feel embarrassed about needing him, but I don’t because the look in his darkened eyes tells me he feels the same. He reaches over to lift the sheets, inviting me to lie next to him.

We don’t speak. Words aren’t needed since we both understand what the other is going through. It’s comfortable and safe. His presence and familiar scent fill my cells and calm me down.

Finally, I lose my unwilling grasp on reality and fall into the darkness.

Chapter Eight

Emrys

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