Page 51 of Damaged

Feelings were a dangerous thing. I’d thought I’d managed to stamp them out after all these years, but Silver had awakened them.

And I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t lose myself to him. I wouldn’t survive it.

I allowed the voice in my head to take over because if I didn’t stop this now, I never would. I also couldn’t deny my growing need for a drink. The pain in my back was worse than ever because of the position Silver and I had fallen asleep in.

Alcohol and pills.

They were my salvation. They’d take everything away for a while. Whatever burgeoning feelings I might be having for the young man in my arms, he couldn’t give me the peace that my mind and body craved. Feeling anything for Silver beyond the need to make sure he didn’t end up on the streets would do the exact opposite of bringing me peace. I’d spin even more out of control when I handed him my battered heart and he handed it back to me in so many pieces that I’d have no hope of mending it.

As much as I loved the way Silver was draped across my upper body, his beautiful features completely relaxed, it was exactly what I couldn’t let happen ever again. I couldn’t expose myself any more than I already had. I wasn’t as strong as he was. I wasn’t strong, period. Not inside where it counted.

I was loath to just shake Silver awake, so I softly toyed with his hair and occasionally explored the soft skin of his face until his eyelids began to flutter. The moment he became aware of where he was, I eased him off my body. Every nerve in my body felt like it was on fire as I shifted my weight until I was sitting on the side of the lounger, my back to Silver. I could hear him moving behind me, but I didn’t dare turn around because one look at those unique eyes of his and my entire plan would be shot to hell.

“It’s getting late,” I murmured before standing up. By the position of the sun, I knew it was barely past lunch time, but I didn’t care. “I’ll see you up at the house,” I added. Every step I took after that hurt so badly I wanted to say fuck it and just lie down and roll myself into a ball like I was nothing more than a self-soothing child whose world had just been turned upside down.

If Silver was behind me, I didn’t hear him. It seemed to take hours to climb the stairs.

Once I got into the house, my eyes automatically searched for the bottle of whiskey. Shame filled me as I reached for it. Despite knowing how much it might hurt Silver, I grabbed the still half-full bottle and headed to my room. I shut the door behind me. There was no lock on it, but it didn’t matter. I doubted Silver would be coming into my room anytime soon. Hell, even as I thought about it, he could have grabbed the sad little plastic bag he’d left hanging on the kitchen doorknob and left.

Let him go.

I looked at the bottle in my hand. If I didn’t drink any of it and took only a couple of the pain pills, it would be safe for me to drive Silver wherever he wanted to go. I knew in my heart that even if I could stand the withdrawal symptoms for as long as it took to make the drive, I wouldn’t be able to let him get out of my car. I was too selfish.

If he walked to the main road and walked or hitched a ride, I’d never see him again. I’d never know what happened to him. Would that be easier than watching him leave? Would drowning myself in drugs and drink make me forget him?

There was only one way to find out.

With that, I took a long swallow of whiskey and instantly felt a measure of relief. I reached for my pills and filled my palm with them then added a few more just to make sure I wouldn’t have to think about anything anymore. Not the way I’d failed everyone and everything in my life. I wouldn’t need to question what I had done to make people not want me. I wouldn’t have to ask myself why I couldn’t just get the fuck past all of it.

I swallowed the pills and drank enough alcohol as I could at one time. I needed to disappear now, not in a few minutes, not in an hour. That was what kept me swallowing more and more of the whiskey. I stopped only when the liquor and pills began to do their magic. One moment there was light and then everything went dark.

Beautifully dark.

Dalton, wake the fuck up!

The words took a while to register but the slaps against my face didn’t. Normally I would have woken up swinging, but my muddled brain wasn’t working. I recognized the voice as its owner repeated various versions of the same phrase.

It wasn’t the voice I was desperate to hear.

“Dalton—”

That was all I heard before bile crept up the back of my throat. My head felt like it was being split in two and I couldn’t feel my limbs.

No, no, no.

The mere thought of what it all meant was ultimately wiped out when I began retching. Strong hands turned me onto my side, presumably so I wouldn’t choke on my own vomit, but there was nothing to get rid of. My belly was empty, all the pills and booze long since dissolved. That didn’t stop the puking, though. I wasn’t sure how long my body’s need to rid itself of whatever it was trying to expel lasted. There was no soft mattress beneath me. Whatever I was lying on was cold and hard.

The floor.

It had to be the floor.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” I heard the voice shout in fury. I reached my arms up so I could cradle my head in the hope that it would stop the endless throbbing in my head. The realization that my arms still worked gave me the courage to test my legs by curling my toes.

Relief flooded my pained brain as my senses began to come back to me one by one. The sour smell of sweat and vomit assaulted my nose while my dry eyes struggled to open. I swore I heard someone crying, but I couldn’t be sure. Everything was spinning. Some kind of cold, wet material was pressed against my forehead. I wanted to tell whoever was holding the thing that my entire body felt like it was on fire, but my throat burned from all the retching.

“Sit up,” the voice ordered.

Jace’s voice.

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