Page 48 of Cat's Outta the Bag

"I know, I'm so, so sorry, babe. I—" She cuts me off, not done handing my ass to me.

“I already have a disciplinary meeting with the lead attending tomorrow morning because of this. My dad was right! I let you sweep me up into this little bubble where only you and I existed. I let you convince me to go to that party when I knew I should stay home!”

She throws her hands up, diving them into her hair, pulling on the strands in distress.

"And you know what? That's not even the worse part!" My throat is closed up, my chest is tight. I can't even think of what to say or how to stop the words from tumbling out of her mouth.

“The worst part is that you were going to give in. You couldn’t stand up for yourself when it mattered most. And I can’t be a life partner to someone who is miserable but won’t do anything about it.”

She turns away again, wrapping her arms around her torso. I want so badly to reach out and hold her. But I can't; I know what happens next.

“You made me put you first on a night when you knew I couldn’t. I’m an ER doctor, I’m not a normal person. I have a duty to heal people on the worst day of their lives, and sometimes that means I have to put my family second. I thought you understood that.”

“I do, Alexis. I swear.” This time I do reach out, gently turning her around to face me. I wish I hadn’t though, because the look on her face stops my heart.

“I need you to leave, Jason. Leave your key. This is over.”

I swallow the bile that's building in my throat. Tears slipping down my cheeks; I didn't even feel them coming on.

“Just like that? You’re ending this? Ending us?”

“Yes.”

So final. Her voice sounds dead. I feel hot, suddenly angry that she’s just giving up, without a real fight. I want to yell. I want us to get in each other’s faces and, fuck, I don’t know, work it out? It doesn’t have to be pretty, it just has to end with us still together.

But when I look at her now, I know nothing I say will change things. Her face is perfectly blank, but her arms are wrapped around torso, as if she’s holding herself together. I take a half step toward her, but she shakes her head hard.

So, I pull out my key ring and unclip her extra key, setting it on the little table that was featured in our all-night sex marathon only weeks ago. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know what else to do that won’t just make things worse.

Her shoulders begin to shake, and it kills me that I did that.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper one last time before leaving.

When I reach my apartment, I collapse against my door. Sobbing.

I think I just lost the love of my life.

Chapter 35

Alexis

The disciplinary meeting went about as expected. I didn't even bother trying to defend myself or explain; I should have known better. Dr. Jordan wrapped up the meeting by saying, "Now, Alexis, I have to tell you that we were going to offer you a position as an attending. But after this, we're going to have to seriously reconsider. You are a good doctor, and I want you on my team, but only if I can rely on you."

"You can rely on me, I promise. This will never happen again." I left the meeting feeling shattered.

And when I got back to my apartment, I fell apart. Sobbing so hard I almost made myself sick. Not only have I lost the only man I've ever loved, I might lose my dream job too. Slinky tries to comfort me, but it's not enough.

That was a week ago. And I still feel raw.

Every time I look at my bookcase, I miss him. Every time Slinky outdoes herself in ridiculousness, I want to turn and find him there, laughing along with me. My whole body aches without him—his laughter, his kindness, his drugging kisses. Never in my life have I felt this lost.

But the thought of walking down the hall and knocking on his door repulses me. Not because I don’t still love him, but because I do. If he can’t figure out how to advocate for himself now, what will happen five years from now, when I’ve had a baby and the tabloids won’t shut up about not “losing the baby weight” fast enough? What happens if they start to go after our kids? Is he going to let complete strangers walk all over us without a fight?

Part of me knows I’m being unfair. That a good partner would support him, help him grow and learn from this. But all I can think about is how my dad did that. How he tried, over and over again, to help his first wife through crisis after crisis. Every time she promised it would be the last, that she would do better. And every time she let him down. And his career and patients suffered. He was barely able to keep his career afloat after the dust settled post-divorce. I don’t want to wake up ten years from now and realize I’ve done the same thing.

To try to block out the pain, I’ve come to every shift thirty minutes early and left thirty minutes later. Anytime someone needs help, I jump in immediately. All of my energy is focused on being the best doctor I can be. Because if I don’t, if I let myself relax for even a moment, I’m worried I’ll break.

I have to prove to them that I have what it takes; I can't lose this too.

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