Page 39 of Cat's Outta the Bag

Your very tired Neighbor

“I cannot believe you are laughing!” Her eyes are wild, snatching the letter from me before storming inside. “This is a disaster!”

I quickly follow and find her sticking it under her pillow. Before she can move away, I wrap her up in a bear hug, resting my chin on her head. "It is not a disaster. Honestly, they sound jealous; they probably don't get any." She snorts at that, shaking her head slightly. "How about this? My unit is the coveted corner unit. I don't have neighbors who share walls with my bedroom. We can start having our all-night sex marathons there." She laughs again, then turns in my arms, so her head rests against my chest.

“How do you always know the right thing to say?”

I shrug because, honestly, I don't know. "I just speak Alexis, I guess."

***

A few hours later, I've been banished back to my apartment. She wants to greet her parents and get them settled before we take them out to eat. Honestly, I think she just wants to try to talk to her mom first before she has a chance to speak to me.

Maybe another hour later, my door bursts open, with Alexis looking manic in the doorway.

“I’m moving in while they’re here! I can’t. I just can’t.” She brushes past me with a suitcase, going directly into my room.

"Forty-five minutes. My mom has been at my house for forty-five minutes, and it's already too much!" She throws her hands up, then grabs my arms and shakes me. "Do you know what she did? The first thing she did?”

I shake my head, a little afraid to speak honestly.

"She found my calendar where I track my period and started marking off the ovulation days with little hearts and stars! THEN, she showed me and said, and I QUOTE, 'honey, you need to pay better attention to when you are ovulating. You and Jason aren't getting any younger. You'll want to start soon if you want any kids.’ What the fuck? Like what the actual fuck!" She sucks in a breath, clearly gearing up for what happened next. "And then, I was in the bathroom, packing up my toiletries because, honestly, there is no way I'm staying there after that. She went into my room and, with the intuition of a fucking alien, found that note! And was reading it, OUT LOUD to my FATHER." She's shaking, or is that me?

"My father knows I have all-night sex marathons," she pauses and looks at me in horror. "My father knows I have all-night sex marathons!” She drops her hands and then throws herself on my bed, lying face down, shoulders slumped in defeat. Oh boy, this week should be fun.

Chapter 29

Alexis

Ithink I’m going to be sick.

Jason and I are walking down the hallway to my apartment, about to enter the lion’s den.

His confidence that my mom couldn't scare him away does little to calm my nerves. I think what freaks me out the most is that I have no idea what my mom will do or say. I can't control her or predict her, and that uncertainty makes my chest tight.

Jason's hand squeezes mine just before we open the door and step through. It helps—just a little.

"Is that my one and only baby girl?" My mom calls from her and my father's room. Her head pops out, and she legitimately screams when she spots Jason.

"Oh my god! Bill! Stop taking a shit and get out here and meet your future son-in-law!"

The desire to turn around and leave is so strong, I actually start to move toward the door. But Jason just tugs me back and laughs as my mom practically sprints toward us.

Much like Martha, my mom doesn't hesitate to pull Jason into a hug. "Hello, Mrs. Masters; it's very nice to meet you." He doesn't hesitate to give her one right back.

"Oh Jason, you're practically family. Call me Cheryl." She pulls back and pinches his cheek like he's a kid visiting his grandma in the nursing home. A moment later, the toilet flushes, and we all hear my dad wash his hands. He's blushing slightly as he comes out of the bathroom, attempting to shut the door behind him discreetly. I don't even want to know what manner of foulness he dropped in there. And while he might be blushing a bit, I know my face is beet red.

Jason reaches out without hesitation and shakes my dad's hand. "Dr. Masters, it's nice to meet you as well." He flinches almost unperceptively as they awkwardly continue to shake hands. I just know they're doing that weird thing men do where they try to hurt each other through a handshake, to battle for dominance or something.

Apparently, Jason passes the test because my dad pulls away first and then slaps him on the back, hard. "No need to call me Dr. Masters. Bill will do just fine, son."

Before my parents can do or say anything worse, I'm charging for the door. "Come on! I'm hungry, and we have a dinner reservation we can't miss."

The car ride is awkward. But not because we don't have anything to say. Oh no. My mother hasn't stopped speaking for more than the time it takes to take a new breath. First, she regaled us with stories about how hard it can be to find a toilet while traveling and how it occasionally led to some hilarious situations with my father's IBS. She then immediately moved into talking about marriage and the perfect times and locations for outdoor California weddings. Had we thought about having ours in Napa? It feels overdone to her. But also somehow perfect? Or maybe a beach wedding? She then launched into the story about how she and my dad got married in a courthouse and how they immediately regretted the location and ended up renewing their vows in Costa Rica a year later. None of us could get a word in edge wise. Thankfully, we pulled up to the restaurant before she could get into the topic of babies or start sharing the horror story that was my birth. She loves telling that one.

While waiting for the host to take us to our table, Jason pulls me into his arms and presses a kiss to my temple. "Not freaked out in the slightest, Lex. Your mom is going to have to try harder." A distressed laugh escapes my lips as I rub my forehead into his chest. I slip my hands around him under his sport coat, pulling him tighter against me, wishing I could burrow into his skin. I don't care if my parents are watching or what the paps might get on camera; I just need his comforting body wrapped around mine as tightly as possible. He holds me tighter without hesitation.

The host comes, and before I let him go, I look up into his blue eyes and pinch his chin. I love his chin. "I love you," I whisper.

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