Page 30 of Mister Mom

“No. What next?” I ask, eager for this to be over.

“Where did you put it?”

“In the laundry basket. Is that bad?” I ask.

She laughs. “It’s not bad but everything in there will have to be washed as soon as you’re done there.”

“Sure, whatever. So what do I do next?”

“Are there any diaper wipes around you?”

I search the area and spot a plastic tub labeled diaper wipes. “Got them.”

“Okay, this isn’t going to be fun brother, but there’s no way around it. You’re going to have to take her diaper off and when you do try to roll it up and use the tabs on the side to keep the poop inside.”

“How the hell am I supposed to do that when this kid keeps trying to roll off the table?”

“You just are.”

“I wouldn’t go writing a how to book any time soon,” I grind out, using my free hand to pop open the lid and pull a few wipes out.

“Watch it, I’m not against hanging up.”

“Sorry,” I sigh. “It’s just this is …”

“Let’s get this over with and then you can tell me what kind of woman has you changing her baby’s diapers. Now, there’s probably a Diaper Genie somewhere close. Put the diaper in that.”

“Charlie, if there was a diaper genie anywhere around here you can bet your ass I wouldn’t be doing this.”

My sister’s laugh echoes through the phone speaker and Via follows suit, giggling on her own and sucking on a few of her fingers.

“A Diaper Genie is what you put dirty diapers in so they don’t stink up the whole house, Vance. It’s white and plastic.”

I lean over to look at the ground on either side of the change table. “I see it,” I say, happy for the small victory.

“All right, do what you need to and tell me when you’re done. I’ll wait on the line.”

My stomach lurches and I gag before I get myself under control. Somehow I manage to half roll the diaper but I’m not sure it makes much of a difference. Shit is everywhere I look.

I take the scrunched up diaper and step on the foot pedal of the Diaper Genie and push the damn thing down until it disappears.

I’m bringing my hand back up to grab a wet wipe when I see the brown smear along the side of my index finger.

“Oh fuck. No way!”

“Vance what’s wrong?” Charlie asks.

“There’s shit on my finger. There is actual shit on my finger!” I cringe. This was way more than I bargained for.

“Tell that pussy to man up,” Garrett yells in the background. “Does he have any idea how many shitty diapers of Syd’s I changed?”

“Whatever man, you’ve never seen anything like this,” I yell back on the off chance he can hear me.

I use my elbow to hold Via in place and take the diaper wipe in my other hand, furiously scrubbing at the spot. Once it’s gone I take another one and do the same just to be sure. It’s not until I’m finished that I realize that Charlie is laughing at me.

“What the hell are you laughing at?” I ask.

“You. A little poop isn’t going to kill you, Vance.” She starts laughing again.

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