Page 19 of Hearts Clash

DrHeart: I know exactly what you mean, and right back at you. These conversations really help me process and figure things out, and that’s invaluable. You’re a treasure, my friend.

It was funny. Despite having never met DrHeart in person, Gianna felt the closest and most connected to her out of anyone in her life right now. It was a kind of connection she hadn’t felt to anyone since the early days with Jade, when they’d stay up all night and just talk about life and love and the universe until they passed out from exhaustion. Granted, that had turned into a disaster and a half, and she really wasn’t looking forward to that drink she’d promised to get with her on Friday, but that was beside the point.

EmergencyKisses: Hey, crazy thought, just throwing it out there, no pressure. Would you ever want to meet up and have drinks sometime? Coffee maybe? I don’t want to make things weird, I just really value our friendship, and it’d be amazing to see you in real life.

That was followed by a long, long, agonizing silence from the other side that made her stomach churn in a sickening mix of anticipation, anxiety, and regret. Maybe that was totally off-base. The other woman wasn’t even comfortable sharing a faceless photo of herself yet. The thought had been spinning in Gianna’s mind for weeks now, though, and every time they talked, the urge to suggest it grew stronger.

Maybe it was only because the last two years were the longest consecutive amount of time she’d ever been single in her life. Serial monogamy had been her thing up until Jade, and they’d been together for so long that it had just kind of become the natural assumption that they were going to be together forever. The breakup had shattered something inside her, made her guarded and protective of her heart in a way she’d never been before. At least until she’d started talking to DrHeart and finally opened up again, safe under the anonymity of the Internet.

But Gianna didn’t want anonymity anymore. She didn’t want to spend her evenings home alone in front of a computer screen, missing out on real connections, human intimacy. Sure, she missed sex, and all the pleasure and affection that came along with it, but the one thing that she really missed was just having someone to curl up next to and watch bad daytime TV with on a lazy Sunday morning. Someone who knew her quirks and flaws and still cared for her despite them. A real, physical, tangible connection that was impossible to achieve through text.

DrHeart: Sorry for taking so long.

DrHeart: I’m just going to be honest with you. There’s a really huge part of me that 100% wants to do that. You’re amazing, and I enjoy talking to you so much, but I’m not in a place where I’m comfortable meeting up. I’m not out in real life, and I’m not sure if or when that will change.

Gianna swallowed down her disappointment and nodded, staring at those words on the screen, and tried not to feel crushed. That was fair. That was all totally fair. Why did it make her feel so sad, then? It wasn’t like it was the end of the world. It wasn’t like DrHeart owed her anything. If anything, it was good to establish boundaries and clear expectations. It wasn’t ideal, but it was what it was.

EmergencyKisses: Okay, got it, don’t worry about it. Just wanted to check if that was on the table. But I respect whatever your journey is, and I’m glad to have you as my online pen pal. ;)

DrHeart: Sorry, really wish I could get over all these mental blocks and stuff, but, you know. One step at a time. Maybe someday, though?

EmergencyKisses: Standing offer on my part, so if you ever decide you’d want to grab that coffee, all you gotta do is let me know. No pressure, though. Promise.

DrHeart: Thanks for understanding.

EmergencyKisses: Of course. Anyway, I’m starving and need to take a shower and feed the cat, so I should probably go.

DrHeart: Is that a euphemism?

EmergencyKisses: Haha! No, I mean my actual, quadrupedal, fluffy feline that’s staring at me like he’ll eat me alive if I don’t feed him.

DrHeart: Oooh, you’d best get to it, then. I’d hate for you to become cat dinner. Hope you have a good night!

EmergencyKisses: You too. Talk to you later. <3

Well, it was worth a shot. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that. A little disappointing, sure, but mostly understandable. Whoever DrHeart was on the other end of the screen, she was still figuring herself out, and Gianna hoped she would someday find the acceptance she was looking for. In the meantime, though, it was still nice to have a confidante and a listening ear. Even without the hope of more romantic or sexual in-person involvement, she was thankful for this woman who made her smile every day.

***

Okay, Gianna thought as she took one last look in the mirror and grabbed her purse, this will be good for me. Talk things out. Get closure. Move on.

She took a deep breath, smoothing out her hair. It had taken her over an hour to find an outfit that simultaneously gave off an air of effortless apathy, like she didn’t care in the slightest how she looked for this conversation, while also screaming she was hotter, more confident, and doing better than ever. In the end, she’d settled on dark, high-waisted jeans, heels, and a teal v-neck blouse, with several bangles and chunky rings on her fingers. Crimson lipstick completed the look, adding just the right amount of sass and confidence she needed.

They were originally just going to get coffee, but Gianna’s schedule didn’t leave room for a lot of casual daytime runs, so they ended up meeting at a cozy restaurant for happy hour instead. With low lighting and dimmed lamps, candles casting shadows, and jazz softly playing in the background, it was, she realized as she walked in a few minutes after six, distinctly more intimate and romantic than she had hoped.

Jade was already seated at a table by the window by the time Gianna arrived. The blonde was tapping on her phone screen in typical fashion, completely sealed off from reality around her by whatever had absorbed her attention. Next to her chair was a large camera bag, indicating that she’d come straight here from her shoot. Or that she was heading there after, hard to say. Gianna realized she had no idea what this project actually entailed.

“Hey, stranger,” Gianna said as she took a seat, trying to sound a lot more casual and relaxed than she felt. “Fancy place. How’d you hear about this place?”

“Oh, one of the lighting guys recommended it,” Jade replied with a wide grin, putting away her phone. “Cute little place, right? Very, like, European vintage or something. Not our usual scene, but whatever, figured I’d give it a try.”

Gianna gave her a strained smile, briefly looking her over. As usual, Jade did the seemingly-casual-but-actually-very-careful-and-styled thing much better than her. Her golden waves spilled freely down her shoulders in breezy, beachy waves, and she wore tight leather pants and an asymmetric sweatshirt with a black and gray pattern partly covered by a fringe kimono jacket. The ensemble gave off a distinct air of 70s boho rocker chick—bohemian, chaotic, and significantly more expensive and time-consuming than it looked. It had been hotter than hell when they met in their twenties, and even now, at almost forty, the woman somehow managed to pull it off effortlessly.

“Yeah, alright, why not?” Gianna said, laughing lightly and pretending to peruse the wine menu. “So what’s up? Everything going okay with your... whatever you’re working on?”

The other woman chuckled, flipping her hair over her shoulder and glancing out the window, then grinned and said, “It’s a nature documentary thing, documenting the wildlife in the bay area. Some kind of educational web series the local university is sponsoring, I don’t know. I’m just here to film jellyfish and crabs and try not to get eaten by sharks.”

“Crabs?” Gianna echoed.

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