Page 43 of Hearts on Fire

“You shared something with her before she died. You shared time. You shared your bodies. You shared feelings for each other. Tell me what you liked about her.”

Naomi could vividly see Sasha still in her mind.

“I loved her smile and her laugh. I loved the way she would tease me about how serious I can be. I loved how it felt when she wrapped me up in her arms. I actually loved her passion for her job. Her passion for helping people. We shared that. I share that with Scotti, too. But I just can’t get around to loving Scotti’s passion for her job. Scotti’s passion for risking her life.”

“Is Scotti’s passion actually for risking her life, or do you think Scotti’s passion and in fact Sasha’s passion are actually both just that they want to help and protect people? Their passions might be that they just care too much?”

Naomi thought for a second and nodded. “Scotti cares so very much. She is so gentle with people she helps. I do love that about her. I love watching her work with kids.”

“Tell me when you recovered from your loss of Sasha.”

“Tell me when you’ll ever stop being totally nosy,” Naomi quipped. Barb remained silent. Naomi hissed. “A person just ends up healing, Barb. Time, time, time. It heals, it numbs. Anyway. It wasn’t my loss. Sasha wasn’t mine to lose.”

“Do you honestly think you're numb or healed?”

Naomi rolled her eyes again.

“Is Scotti yours to lose? Even if you separate from her. Even if you move on? The bit that is yours to lose is the love that you share. You love Scotti. You loved Sasha. You loved things about her. You enjoyed being with her.”

Naomi shrugged.

Barb continued, “tell me that you requesting this session with me is honestly about you living alone happily. Tell me you're not hoping that something changes about you so that you can go back to Scotti and find a way through this.”

“Are you here to state the obvious, read my fortune, or fix me.” Naomi looked at her wristwatch in frustration.

“It's almost time for your clinic,” she said, drily.

“My clinic isn’t for another hour, Naomi, and you know that.”

Naomi leaned into her seat. “What are we going to do?”

“We're going to work on dealing with loss.”

Naomi stared into space without saying a word. Barb kept quiet and watched Naomi.

Naomi nodded slowly. “Okay.”

Barb smiled, smugly.

“I can see you again on Wednesday and Friday this week and then we can sort out some regular sessions going forwards.”

“Send the timings to my email and I'll try my best to meet them,” Naomi said, standing.

“You'll be glad you're doing this, Naomi. I can't guarantee that there's more for Scotti and you. But you need to do this for yourself. You need to grieve and heal yourself in order to move on in life, if you stick with this, there's hope.”

Naomi was at the door now. “If life gives me another girlfriend in a dangerous profession, I'll be sure I'm cursed.”

She shut the door behind her as she walked down the corridor lost in thought.

All day long, Barb’s question remained on her mind. Not necessarily because Barb had asked to be told about Sasha, but because in that moment, Naomi had realized that she was never really over Sasha. Not as a romantic partner- who knew if it would have worked long term- but as a part of her life that death had snatched from her. They had been happy together. They might have continued to be.

She'd realized there and then that had roots with what happened to Sasha the night Scotti hurt herself.

Naomi wondered if there was a possibility that a time would come when she won't have to overthink Scotti's profession or that one day Scotti would leave her home and she wouldn’t be frightened that would be the last time she saw her.

But again, being in therapy was no assurance that Scotti would come back to her. In fact, they hadn't spoken personally since they broke up. Naomi feared that Scotti was quickly forgetting her, moving on like they never were.

She, on the other hand, was stuck, like a song set to repeat.

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