Page 53 of Commit

“I’m fine.” She breathes out a heavy sigh, signaling that she isn’t fine.

“You’re shutting down again.”

She lifts her head to me. There’s a hollowness in her eyes that scares me. “We’re not even back together, Matt, and you’re talking about marriage and planning out the rest of our lives.”

“It was just a wedding speech.”

“It felt like expectations.”

“Can I not hope to marry you someday?”

Her chin drops, and she goes silent.

“Did last night mean anything to you?” I ask.

“We didn’t solve anything. We ignored all of our problems. We shouldn’t have done it.”

My steps slow, and I pull apart from her. “If it didn’t mean anything, then why did you kiss me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you love me,” I snap back at her.

“Because I do love you.”

“Then what are we even arguing about?”

She sucks in a breath. “What do you see when you picture our life together?”

“I see a continuation of the last two years. A lot of laughter and love.”

“More than that, Matt. What else do you see?”

I run a hand through my hair. “I see a house, and kids, and little league baseball, trips to the beach, you teaching yoga, grilling in the backyard, kids fighting, family vacations. I see the whole thing.”

“That’s what I’m talking about.” She shrugs. “I’m not your mom, Matt.”

“I’m not asking you to be.”

She rubs her fingers over her eyebrow. “I don’t know how to live the kind of life you described. No one’s ever taught me.”

“Rem, it’s not something you live because you’ve learned. You live it because you want to.”

“What if I can’t?” Her eyes fill with tears. “What if I’m incapable of having a normal life?”

I place my hands on her shoulders. “Then, we’ll figure it out. We’ll make our own normal.”

She shakes her head. “You’ll resent me, and one of us will want to leave.”

“This isn’t rational thinking. You're letting your fears get in the way of your happiness.”

A tear drips down her cheek, running into her lips. “In the long run, it’s safer this way.”

“For who?”

“For me.”

My hands drop, and I step back to look her over. “Why do you keep doing this? Why won’t you let me love you?”

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