Page 18 of Commit

Chelsea: What could be worse than being burned at the stake? Something with sharks?

Remi: Matt and I are sharing a hotel room.

I take in a deep breath before pushing send.

Chelsea: That escalated quickly.

Remi: There are two bedrooms, so don’t be getting any ideas.

Remi: And beyond the whole room thing. I just told him I didn’t find him attractive.

Chelsea: I have so many questions, but let’s start with WHY?

I rub my fingers across my face, wondering the same thing.

Remi: I don’t know. One minute he was asking questions about why I broke up with him, and the next minute he was in my space. So I just said it. Like word vomit.

Chelsea: Word vomit?

I glare at my phone as I write my text.

Remi: Yes. Word vomit.

Chelsea: And how did he respond when you said you weren’t attracted to him?

Remi: He started laughing.

Chelsea: I bet he did.

Chelsea: Everyone knows that’s a lie.

Remi: I think my saying that egged him on. Now, we’re in some kind of war where we have to prove to the other how much we “don’t” like them.

Remi: What am I going to do?

Chelsea: A war with Matt doesn’t sound so bad. It sounds kind of exciting.

Remi: You know we can’t get back together. Or do I have to explain all my reasons for breaking up with him again?

It’s complicated. There are layers of fear, pessimism, and childhood trauma. My therapist said the first step is acknowledging it. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m acknowledging that I have trust issues stemming from the emotional baggage of my upbringing. But my therapist didn’t tell me what to do after the acknowledgment. Granted, I’ve only been seeing her for a month, so I guess there’s still time for her to tell me step two.

Chelsea: You don’t have to explain anything. Your reasons for breaking up with him are valid.But just because you’re in a war with him doesn’t mean you’ll get back together. You’re strong. You’re in control. You’re in charge of this weekend.

That’s right.

I’m in charge.

Chelsea: Come out swinging.

I look down at my hot-pink bikini in my bag and smile. When I packed it, I was only planning on wearing it in an emergency situation. I think this classifies as an emergency.

Remi: You’re right. I’m going to come out swinging.

Chelsea: Just don’t underestimate him. He can be very charming.

I shake my head and repeat what I told Matt.

He’s not that charming.

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