Page 85 of Dash

“I know,” he says as he runs a hand over my hair. “I’m so sorry, sweet pea. But it’s their choice.”

“What about my choice?” I cry. “What about Dash’s choice?” I lift my left hand and point to my ring finger. “He wanted me. He loves me.” He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his chest. “They can’t take him from me.” I feel my lungs tighten, and my body gets heavy; it’s as if I’m dying with him. I’d be better off dead. I have no life without him. I have no reason to keep going. Dash came into my life like a whirlwind and now he’s leaving me with nothing but a massive hole. “I…Need...” I swallow. “Water.” I find myself breathing heavy and unable to talk due to my throat closing.

My father leaves me right away to get me some water, and I look up to see Jake standing at the end of the hall, just staring at me blankly. I wipe my face quickly and waste no time in turning around and going back to his door. I slowly and quietly twist the knob and open it up to where I can look inside.

His father stands with his back against the wall while he holds his wife. She sobs into his shirt as his face nuzzles into her neck. The nurse stands back by the foot of Dash’s bed; she’s eying me nervously, waiting for me to make a scene. But I have no fight left in me. Instead, I take what little strength I have left and make the ten steps over to his bed. It’s as if I’m walking in quicksand. The ground pulling my body under. My chest tightening to the point of suffocation.

I crawl on his bed and cuddle up next to him, softly placing my hand over his chest. I hold my breath as I feel his chest slowly move as he breathes with the ventilator no longer there. I close my eyes and remember what his laugh sounded like. I remember what his touch felt like. “Don’t make me live without you,” I whisper as tears run down my face.

I cry uncontrollably as my body shakes. “Miracles happen every day,” I repeat in a broken mess. I close my eyes tightly and pray to God that he continues to breathe on his own. Seconds tick by. Minutes pass by. And I start to relax. I feel my body start to calm as I talk to him. About our future. About how much I love him. And then, just when I thought I got my miracle, it was taken from me.

His chest stops moving. And I feel it down in my soul. I feel him leave me. I feel the room grow colder and my heart be ripped out of my chest. I cry out and two arms wrap around me. I look up to Jake now standing beside Dash’s bed. He rips me from him, and I start kicking and screaming. I feel a prick in my arm and then those strong arms soften, yet hold me up as my legs grow weak and my eyes grow heavy. But it doesn’t help the massive hole in my heart. The part that Dash left me behind with.

***

I numbly get out of Jake’s car and walk up the stairs to the house that Dash and I shared. My mom walks in front of me, and my father silently walks next to her. He opens the door for us, and I find myself walking to the kitchen. I fall down into a chair at the kitchen table. I look up to see the flowers that sit in the crystal case in front me. They’re dead. Just like Dash. Just like me.

He’s gone. Dash lived for twenty minutes off the ventilator. Then, as the clock in his room read 9:32 AM, he left us for good. He died in my arms. I held him as he took his last breath. That does something to a person. When Jake ripped me from him, it ripped my soul out. I’m nothing now. I woke after the sedation they had given me wore off in Jake’s arms, and I prayed that God would take me with him. I prayed that God would strike me dead. He didn’t. He left me behind to live out my life, which could be fifty more years without Dash. Why is life so cruel? Why did God give me something so special just to take it away? I can’t answer any of those questions, but I try.

I ignore Jake as he walks past me and stands to the side. He constantly watches me, waiting for me to do something, but I have nothing to do. Nothing to live for. My mother silently places all the flowers from the hospital on my kitchen table as my father stands over in the corner talking quietly to Blake. Jackie hangs on to him as if she were to let go, she may lose him like I did Dash.

I reach out and touch the card that sits in front of me. Tears roll down my face in waves so strong that I can’t even read what the card says, but I don’t have to. I remember what it says. Here’s to a night you’ll never forget. How right he was! I throw a hand over my mouth as a sob comes out.

I use what strength I have and stand up. I want to tell everyone to leave, but I don’t even have the strength to speak. I make my way up to our bedroom and slam the door shut. I then fall onto our bed and sob into the pillow.

My body shakes and my throat tightens. I feel a hand on my back and I jump as if it stung me. “Please…just leave me alone,” I cry out as I look up to Jake.

“I don’t wanna leave you alone,” he whispers.

I close my eyes tightly as I grab my chest. “It hurts so bad,” I admit.

“It gets easier.”

My eyes spring open, and I stare at him as if he’s lost his mind. My body jolts as I hiccup. I’ve cried so hard that I have given myself the hiccups.

I shake my head. “It will never be easy living without him.”

“I feel your pain.”

“No, you don’t,” I shout, feeling the anger that I feel toward Dash. Angry that he gave up so easily.

“I do. I once lost someone I loved.” He drops his head and looks down at the comforter. “The woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with died,” he admits.

I want to feel sorry for him. I want to tell him that I’m sorry. But I can’t. No one can know how much I love Dash, and I’m not about to compare my love for him to the love that Jake felt for someone else.

He reaches out and places a hand on my leg. “The pain, it won’t go away, but it will get easier. You’ll forget…”

“I’ll never forget him,” I shout as I shove his hand away.

“That’s not what I meant.” He speaks softly.

“Just please stop talking.” I wipe the tears from my face. “Please,” I beg with all I have. “Please stop. I’m begging you.” My vision has turned blurry once again, and I hiccup once more.

He’s quiet for a few seconds before he finally speaks. “I’ll be downstairs.”

I fall back down onto our bed when I hear the bedroom door shut softly and I continue to sob.

CHAPTER FOURTY-TWO

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