Page 84 of Without You, Scotch and Sammy 2

She lets out a deep sigh as Lily turns her head in her sleep. “Samantha is fine. It’s my name, after all.”

“Sammy--”

“You can go, okay?” Her eyes pierce right through mine. “We’re done. I appreciate your hospitality. But you can go. Live a happy life, okay?”

“Sammy--”

“I know we… had sex last week. But I learned my lesson back in high school. I haven’t missed a single pill, but if by some cruel twist of fate the universe fucks us over again, I’m going to be taking care of it. You don’t have to worry about any loose ends here.”

“Take care of it?”

“Yeah. Just don’t worry about it.”

“An abortion?”

She takes a deep breath. “Yeah. You and I cannot live a decent co-parenting life, Sam. We’ve already tried. I’m not tying myself to that kind of lifestyle, and I won’t tie you either. But there’s no reason to worry. The timing is completely wrong, and I’m on the pill. But if something pops up…”

“Yeah, something popping up would be inconvenient, huh?” My teeth grind together all over again. I want us to get along, but she says things like this and it takes me right back.

Sammy’s delicate fingers stroke Lily’s, and I swallow the lump in my throat at seeing them both looking so sad and defeated. “You can go now, Sam. I’ve got it from here.”

“What if I wanna see more of her?”

Sammy’s eyes come to mine in surprise. “I’m going to get the divorce finalized, so you don’t have to worry. You won’t be obligated…”

“That’s not what I asked. I said what if I want to see her?”

“Umm… I guess if you really wanted to, we could organize visits.”

“Like co-parenting?”

“I guess. But she won’t be yours, Sam. I’m adopting her alone. So, you’ll get periodic snuggles with her, but without the worry or obligation of anything more. Then when she’s old enough to decide, she can tell us if she wants to continue that relationship.”

“So, that’s it?” I ask angrily. “All done?”

She swallows heavily. “That’s it. All done.”

“What if I don’t file the divorce papers?”

She wipes her hand across her still tired eyes. “I don’t know why you’d drag it out. We’re both kinda over it by this point, but if you get a kick out of wasting time and money, well, you’d be hurting Lily, not me. The longer this drags out, the longer it’ll take to finalize the adoption.”

“What if I don’t want to divorce? What if I want to adopt her too?”

Sammy’s eyes fire with anger at my continued questions. “Well she’s mine, Sam! She’s mine, and I’ll be damned if you or anyone else is gonna take her away. Just give me a damn divorce already, and go away.”

Her words slice me open, but her tears slap a band-aid over it. She’s trying to hurt me, but she’s hurting herself in the process, and for her to hurt, that means she feels. I can walk away today knowing she feels something. “I just want to hear you tell me you’re sorry, Sammy. You hurt me a long time ago, and I know those actions can’t be undone. But I want to live my life not so angry. I can’t move on without your sorry.”

“You want me to apologize for leaving? Or for aborting?”

My stomach rolls with nausea. “Both. I wish you didn’t do either. But I can’t change the past any more than you can. In almost fourteen years, I haven’t been able to move into a healthy relationship with anyone, because you’ve kept me tethered to you with an invisible rope. You were my first everything, Sammy. You were my forever, and I was going to supply you with chocolate candy for the rest of our lives. I would have done anything for you.” I stand over my sick baby while her heartbeat thunders through the machines surrounding her tiny body, and I run my hands through my hair in frustration. “I’d still do anything for you, Sammy. Anything. But I need to hear you say you’re sorry for what you did to us. I need to know I wasn’t the only one suffering this whole time.”

“I promise you, you weren’t the only one suffering, Sam. You’re still not the only one suffering. But I’m ready to cut that rope. I need to be present for Lily, and pining after a boy who broke my heart just isn’t healthy for either us.”

“A boy who broke your--”

“I’m sorry.” She cuts me off. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I ever took your hand that day at the lake. I’m sorry for everything that hurt us both. We were too young and naïve to make the promises we did, but it’s done now, and we both need to move on.”

“Just like that, Ricci?”

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