Page 57 of Without You, Scotch and Sammy 2

I click my tongue and segue into a song I wrote for Sammy a long time ago. “Wouldn’t want that pesky separation to get in the way.”

“Sam--”

“Samantha…

She sits up again, patting her hands on her legs gently. “I feel like this is deteriorating fast, so I’m gonna go to bed. It was nice talking to you again.”

“Sit, Samantha. Relax. I’m not ready for bed yet.”

Her eyes are heavy and bruised with sleep circles. “I’m so ready for bed, I could sleep for three weeks and I’d still be tired.”

“So relax, close your eyes.”

Surprisingly, she actually does as she’s told. With a soft shrug of her delicate shoulders, she leans back again and rests her head on the arm of the couch. Bringing her legs up tight against her body and resting them against the back cushions, she rolls herself into a ball as small as she can manage – and she makes sure not to touch me at all.

I continue to play. I’m tired too, but I’m not ready for bed, because I don’t want to lay in the dark and think about her dating. I might spew if I go to sleep thinking about other men taking her body the way I used to. Was she as careless with them as she was with me? We were smart kids, and yet, our passion ruled us every single time and we forgot to use a condom. It’s no wonder she got pregnant. But what about now? Knowing what she knows, is she still as careless when it comes to sex? Has she had any more pregnancy scares in the last decade? Has she had any more abortions? Fuck, for all I know, maybe she has a couple kids, but not wanting to bring them here, she left them in the city with their father.

Logically, I know that’s not true. If she had other children, I can’t see her leaving them for a couple months to come here to do this. But her mentioning the fact she’d dated has my mind spinning, and I don’t like the direction its going.

I continue to play as my eyes grow heavy, but when I look over to find she’s fallen asleep with her chin on her knees and her arms wrapped around her legs, I snatch up a blanket from the single recliner and wrap it around her. I continue to play, because I want to be her music box for now.

Both she and Lily want the music. The difference is, Sammy won’t admit it.

An hour passes and her body falls slack, her head falls back and her posture falls open. She turns her body into the couch, resting her face on her open palm, and digging her knees into the back cushions. Her toes unconsciously seek out warmth, and without her permission, they sneak toward me until eventually, she wedges them beneath my thigh.

I watch the clock and write new songs in my mind.

I have a bunch of new stuff to show the guys tomorrow night. They’ll know it’s all because of Sammy. They’ll worry, and probably talk about me behind my back, but they’ll also mostly keep quiet on it and they’ll accept the new material for what it is – great new songs.

As three a.m. rolls around and Sammy continues to sleep, I gently place my guitar to the side and stand up. Sammy’s feet instantly spring back up towards her body, so I tuck the blanket around her securely, then head to the kitchen to make a bottle. I’ve watched her do it a couple times, and the tin has instructions, so I figure I’ll be able to work it out. I’m not paying off a fancy degree for no reason.

I warm the bottle and walk toward the spare room, grabbing my iPod and a small Bluetooth speaker on the way past, then just as I walk into the dark room, Lily starts to stir.

“Hey Rosie.” I turn the music on low and smile as Marc’s bass comes in low and deep, then Ang’s keyboard joins him until the beat picks up. I can’t stay awake all night serenading her, but my iPod can. The band can.

I pick her up out of the portable crib Sammy must’ve brought with her, and another lance of shame washes through me. I literally didn’t even ask about her sleeping arrangements. A man would have asked. A man would have had a crib made and brought in. Instead, I ran away and left them to their own devices.

Lily’s squeaks grow louder, like she’s excited for her milk, so cradling her in my left arm and holding the bottle with my right, I press the teat between her lips and smile and fall a little deeper in love as she chugs it.

“So, you’ve found yourself in an odd situation, baby girl, but when you and your mama leave again, you should know that I’ll always be here, okay? I’ll be your daddy on paper, so don’t be scared to call me if you need anything. And don’t listen to your mama when she says I’m a grumpy old jerk. I’m only grumpy to her… well, and everyone else. But not you. Well, maybe you too once you start dating, but if you don’t do that, then we’ll be fine.”

Her tiny fists clench and unclench as her feet kick out. She’s in a wrap Sammy expertly spun, so I don’t dare undo it. If Lily shits, then we’re all in trouble.

I smile when the chorus of an old song comes on. “Can you hear that, Rosie? That’s me, and I’m singing about your mommy.” I chuckle softly as she continues to drink quickly. “I used to call her Ricci once upon a time. Rosie and Ricci, two stunning ladies.

“She was the most beautiful girl I’d ever laid eyes on, and I changed from a hotdogging idiot teenager to a man who believes in love at first sight.” I balance the bottle beneath my chin and stroke her chunky cheek with my fingers. “The guys didn’t believe me, and they were pretty much on the money when they said I was building us up for complete devastation when it all went to crap. But the ride in the meantime was amazing.

“Don’t fall in love too young, okay? You have all the time in the world for that… But if you do, find something like what your mama and I had. It all went to hell in a handbasket in the end, but the time we had was more than some people get in a lifetime.” Speaking the unlikely words out loud actually unlocks a sense of calm that washes over me. Yeah, it all went to shit, but what we had was so much more than some people ever get. Instead of being bitter about not having it anymore, I should give thanks that I ever had it in the first place.

“And even if I never see you again after the adoption is sorted, I still really want the daddy daughter dance at your wedding. I’m sorry your real father is gone, but I can be him. I can love you and protect you and make sure the hotdoggers stay away.”

It only takes minutes for her to empty the warm bottle, so setting it aside, I lift her tiny body and rest her face on my chest, and I start patting the way I’ve watched Britt and Sammy do before.

Tiny bubbles rise quickly, but her body remains taut and her legs kick out. I’m no dummy, so I continue to pat until eventually, she lets out a belch the size most grown men couldn’t achieve. “Atta girl.” I look her up and down in the dark room. I don’t know what pyjamas Sammy dressed her in, but she has a super secure white blanket wrapped around her, with little pink polka dots and a pink puppy’s head down by her feet. “Did you poop?” I lift her and sniff at her butt, but she smells fine, so I let out a breath of relief. “Do me a favor and hold it in until tomorrow? It’s not that I’m gun shy. I’ve cleaned Charlie’s diapers before. The thing is, I don’t know how to undo your blanket, and I’d have no clue how to do it up again, so if we can manage it, I’d rather not wake your mama.”

She doesn’t answer me, obviously, but she yawns and scrunches her face adorably. “Yeah, that’s a good choice. Sleep.” I rest her back in the crook of my arm and I sit on the edge of Sammy’s bed. “So I guess that means you actually already have a cousin. Charlie bear. He’s older than you, and much bigger. He’s gonna be a fighter, so he’ll look after you. Never be scared to call him, okay? He’s a Roller, and we don’t really like them, but they’ll protect you with their lives now that you’re one of us.”

Lily’s eyes flutter closed slowly and her eyes roll back as I chatter. I smile arrogantly. She needs perfect quiet to sleep, my ass. I gently place her back in the crib, then standing and cracking my back, I silently move through the door, grab my cell from the kitchen and set an alarm for a few minutes before six, then fixing Sammy’s blanket and fighting every instinct in my body to not kiss her brow, I turn the living room lights out and head back to the girls’ room.

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