Page 93 of Stargazer

That dissonance between us would always exist. We could join forces as much as we wanted—I could have a soft spot for the shifters and could always be their aid when it came to the Knights—but there was a reason that every full moon so far I wasn’t by River’s side. He was the Alpha, and his responsibilities were to his pack first and foremost. It had to stay like that.

Ignoring it before seemed to work at the time, and we may have tried to work around it now, but that was the truth of the matter. We were not equals. Even if he tried his best to make us just that. It would never be possible. We were just not the same.

In fact, we were very different.

But I hated to diminish how much he was trying to make things work for us. How much better it was this time round.

Well, not better. It was hard to be better than what it was before the rogues unknowingly entered my world. But going back to a time before we had these worries was not a possibility. And underneath it all, there was always a slither of doubt in me. A feeling of not belonging that had always been there.

At least now that I was a supernatural those open lines of communication were so much better. And it made it easier to trust him with it all out in the open. He’d been doing everything he could to include me and break down those insecurities that had troubled me in the past.

But that wasn’t enough to make this decision.

Realistically, that’s what I was doing when it came to River; I was holding on and justifying it. Trying to convince myself that it could work because I wanted desperately to give him that chance. Because I owed it to him, and I didn’t want to break his heart again.

I was too scared to give up something that I knew was stable and safe and comforting with River, for something that I thought may only be fleeting with Griffin. And because of that, I was clinging to him.

River was home. He was protection.

But with Griffin I belonged.

With Griffin I flourished. Grew.

I loved River. With every fibre of my being. But maybe I wasn’t in love with him. Not anymore. Not like I used to be. And maybe I hadn’t been for a while.

Those problems, that were only intensified when the rogues entered the picture, had created a chasm between us that I just couldn’t climb back from.

Fuck, that felt horrible to admit.

It was gut-wrenching and heart-breaking. But it was true.

That spark was no longer there.

Without realising it, I’d already been referring to him as was.

Because I chose Griffin.

And I hoped and prayed that River would be able to handle and heal from it eventually. All I wanted was for him to be happy too. My friend. My comfort. My safe space.

He deserved happiness more than anything and I had hoped I could be the one to give it to him. That was likely part of the reason I was prolonging this decision; why I was pushing Griffin away even after he poured his heart out to me multiple times.

I didn’t want to hurt the perfect wolf boy who deserved someone to love him purely and unfalteringly.

While that had been me once upon a time … I just didn’t think it was anymore.

I could no longer try to fit in that space where I didn’t perfectly belong. Maybe we didn’t want to admit we were wrong, trying desperately to mould that piece into the incorrect spot because it was comfortable. Being uncomfortable was always scary.

But I think my real spot was beside Griffin.

A part of me hated myself for that, but I couldn’t string Riv along like this when my heart and body so clearly knew—even if my head took longer to come around.

If I thought about it, really thought about, I think I’d already known this whole time. Known as soon as Griffin came for me. I’d just been trying to make it work for River.

At least I could say that I tried.

I knew it would be selfish to hope that Riv would remain in my life, but that hope still flickered inside me.

Even so, if he couldn’t handle having me around, I’d respect that. Once we dealt with our mutual threat and I helped his pack of course.

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