Page 87 of Stargazer

She looked like she was contemplating it—what I had told her. Like she was trying to process exactly what everything I said meant … and failing.

Her brows scrunched together as she paused what she was doing, looking at the ground as if it would somehow give her the answer she sought.

Maybe I was a dick for bringing this up now, she was clearly having a day. But she’d seemed to have gotten most of it out of her system with sparring and honestly, my heart squeezed fucking painfully at not being able to comfort her the way I wanted to when she was clearly keeping me at a distance.

Don’t get me wrong, things had been going smoothly. But I had no fucking idea where her head was at. Things also seemed to be going smoothly with him too.

And when I’d tried to pry out any information from Kit or Billie, they kept their mouths shut—highly unusual for Kitana, which made me think that maybe they didn’t know either.

I wasn’t rushing her. Fuck, that was the last thing I was doing. At least not intentionally.

I was just making sure she knew how I felt. I was sick of not communicating with her. We were too good at ignoring things.

So I needed to make my feelings known.

I saw her expression harden before she exploded. And I was ready for it. In fact, I was looking forward to it.

“What do you want from me, Griffin? How can you expect me to believe that you actually want a relationship now? You’ve told me and everyone else, time and time again, that you wouldn’t be a good boyfriend. You planted that fear in me. And others have only watered that seed. So what do you want from me? How am I meant to trust you?”

Her words were harsh, angry. But I could hear the plea in them.

Good. It was good we were talking about this.

I wasn’t exactly great at this. And I didn’t know how to get what I felt out. But I tried. Fuck, I tried.

“I want you to pick me,” I exclaimed. Shocking myself at the way I lost my cool.

I took a breath. “You’re right, I don’t know how to do this, Venus.” I felt the words spill out of me. “I’ve never done this.” I wondered if she could hear the strain in my now quiet voice.

Quiet, yet the pain echoed.

“I don’t know how to be a boyfriend. I’ve never committed to anybody. How would I even know what commitment looks like? No one has ever committed to me. Not my mum. Not my dad. All I’ve ever had is my friends. I’ve never had more than that.” I lifted my eyes to meet her beautiful hazel gaze. “But I want to try. With you.”

“Won’t you get bored? Won’t you eventually walk away?”

“How the fuck could I ever get bored of you?” I deadpanned. If she was looking for amusement or humour in my tone, she wouldn’t find it. It was the honest truth. My honest truth.

I could never get bored of her. I could never want anyone else or anything more. She was everything. She was it for me.

“I can’t help but think that it seems a little convenient that you only decide you want to be serious when I leave. When there was a chance that I was picking him again.”

Ouch. I knew she was voicing her fears and I brought this on, but fuck that stung.

I kept my tone low and deep. My words unhurried so she would hear every one.

“You seem to forget that you also told me you didn’t want more. That you couldn’t handle more. So this isn’t just on me. But if you want to pin it on me … fine. I took my time. I didn’t admit it to you when I could have. But you know what, Supernova?” I drew closer and her body stiffened at my proximity. “We both knew it was more. And yes. Yes, it took you leaving for me to face my fucking fears and man up to tell you. But nothing about that was convenient. Pouring my heart out to you; admitting I was wrong; waiting for you to decide between me and your ex-boyfriend. Fuck, watching you touch him and laugh with him and be all fucking cute with him … when all I want is you. When it’s never been a choice of who for me. None of this is fucking convenient.” My gaze burned into hers.

“He might be easier. Familiar, even. But I’m right. And you know it.”

My almost whispered words were lethally calm. Only meant for her ears.

She didn’t answer. Probably didn’t even know what to say.

So I continued, too far gone to stop now. “I know I didn’t say anything before. But wasn’t it obvious? Didn’t my actions—that so clearly conflicted with my words—show you? And isn’t it obvious now? That I’m all in? Everything I’m doing is for you.”

I realised I was getting slightly triggered again, so I forced myself to lower my voice. “For you, Venus. It’s all for you.”

When she still didn’t respond but looked at me with resignation in her pretty eyes, I sighed, trying to find a way to let out the frustration without allowing it to seep through my words. I ripped my fingers through my messy hair.

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