Page 2 of Stargazer

I deserved every miserable, cold, bleak, dark second of it for the way I hurt them. Both of them.

Who knew how long it would take until he dared to open himself up again. Because of me.

All I did was flee when things got difficult, hurting the people around me as a result.

I fled my mother and my sister.

I fled my first love.

And my second.

I fled the friends that had taken me in and showed me nothing but kindness.

I fled that sense of belonging I had searched for my whole life and finally found.

And now I didn’t deserve anyone to love or be there for me.

I didn’t deserve it.

I deserved to be alone.

So I let that darkness consume me until my limbs were held tight in its cold embrace and my breath was ripped right from the lungs in my chest.

It swallowed me whole. Devoured me.

And I let it.

I lay there, staring up at the ceiling above my head. My breathing was shallow, but I forced myself to take in air.

Dream. Only a vivid, horrible dream.

Although, the feeling of being stuck was very real.

I hadn’t had paralysing nightmares like that in a while. Unable to move or speak or escape, even when I realised it wasn’t real.

But I was free from its grip now, even if I was not free from the feelings of guilt my subconscious was so clearly tormenting me with.

The scattering of glow-in-the-dark stars were a pale melon green in the morning light. On a cloudy night, when River and I weren't able to go outside to admire the real things, these little plastic, glowing wannabes actually did well to replicate the sensation of looking out into the galaxy. Especially with the rough depictions of the constellations that Riv spent hours trying to get just right.

Just for me and my obsession with them.

He never really paid much attention to them himself, always called away by the wind that seemed to run through his veins and that sensation of being free. His focus was always on the trees and the leaves; on the earth.

The grounded one.

Grounded in nature yes, but also just grounded.

Whereas I lived with my head in the clouds. In a world of dreams and imagination. And clearly, it liked to get the better of me.

Whenever I’d wake from a horrible nightmare, those stars comforted me. They’d always done just that. Just like they did now. And for a moment, I forgot any time had passed at all since I had last been here and experienced them watching over me.

But the lingering remnants of the nightmare and the cold sweat that now coated my heated skin reminded me that time had in fact passed and things were not the same as they once were.

Everything about this place felt familiar. The cream linen sheets. The cloud like pillows. The early sun filling the room with warm light dancing against the wooden floorboards.

Even the beautiful wolf shifter who lay next to me, chest rising and falling with the gentle, calm breaths he took in his sleep.

It was peaceful. Everything about this place had always felt peaceful—except for that one night. Peace was the last thing I felt that night. And that was my last true memory of this place. A tainted one that no longer held the same meaning yet had still altered our lives in inconceivable ways.

---