Page 63 of Waiting to Love You

“I agree, but you two danced around each other for months. You spend one night together with no promises you would ever return.”

“I promised her I was coming back for her.”

“You and I both know that was a bullshit promise. We were off fighting a war where any number of things could happen. Do you really think she put a lot of faith into that promise?”

I open my mouth and slam it shut quickly.

“Right. She didn’t know what your plans were once deployment was over.”

“I told her how I felt before I left. I made it clear that she was the person I planned on spending my life with.”

“But a year is a long time. People change, man. How was she supposed to know you would feel the same about her when you came back?”

“I called her.”

“Did you ever bother to leave her a voicemail? An email address to get in touch with you? Anything?” He raises his eyebrow in my direction.

“She should have picked up the damn phone,” I respond defensively.

“The numbers are restricted, jackass. How the hell was she going to know it was you?” Brady leans back onto the couch, laying his ankle on his knee. “Obviously, she didn’t know you weren’t a damn psycho.”

I pause and think about what Brady said, replaying all my conversations with her in my mind. After that first night, I was head over heels for her. But I never really promised her anything besides my coming back. I called her every chance I got, but I was too much of a chickenshit to leave a message. I did the same thing I accused Bristol of doing before I walked away from her earlier. I was afraid of what would happen if I let her all the way in.

Bristol made it clear from the start that she couldn’t see herself being in a relationship with a man in the military and never wavered. The military had been my entire life until that point, but I didn’t have any plans past surviving deployment. It wasn’t until Brady said something about retirement did the plan to move back to Tyson’s Creek and searching for Bristol cross my mind. I knew I wanted to be with her, but I wasn’t sure if there was a space for me in her life.

I was afraid that someone like me wouldn’t be good enough for her. I didn’t have a family or any prospects for a job. What did I have to offer her? The only thing I had ever known was being a Marine, but that experience doesn’t really translate into marketable skills outside of being in the military. By not leaving a message, I gave myself the excuse to remain closed off from the possibility of being hurt. I knew I was a goner for her, but I had no idea how she felt about me. Bristol took the first step by giving me her phone number, but I didn’t meet her halfway, putting all the pressure and blame on her if I came here and things didn’t work out as I had hoped they would.

“Damn it. You're right.” I groan as I lean back on the couch and cover my face with my arm. “She didn’t know.”

“Now you’re seeing things clearly.” Brady punches me lightly in the shoulder. “So, how do you plan to fix this?”

“Fix what? I did nothing except leave the situation before I said something I didn't mean.” I turn in his direction, waiting for him to explain.

“Not that. Honestly, you handled that situation as well as anyone could expect. I’m talking about Rebekah. You have a little girl that you’ve never even met. What are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know.” I give him the only answer I have.

I’ve always wanted a family of my own, but does she even want me to be a part of their lives? I don’t have many memories of my father, and the few foster parents I had weren’t the best. Yes, they fed me and kept a roof over my head, but they weren’t the nurturing type. I don’t know the first thing about raising a child. I’ve spent the last twenty years being told what to wear and when to eat and sleep. I have a routine, a certain way I prefer things to run and be done. How is that going to work, adding a little girl to the mix? Kids are messy and loud, two things that I can’t handle on a regular basis, even before I joined the military.

I want to be a good father to our daughter. Be a shoulder for her to cry on when she needs me but also to help mold and guide her into becoming a beautiful young woman. But is that what Bristol wants? I understand her obligation to let me know I have a daughter, but what role does she want me to play in her life? Rebekah is almost a year old, and I’ve missed so much, so many milestones that a father should be present for, and I refuse to miss any more. But where is my place in their family? Bristol has a support network of people, friends and family, that will help her whenever she needs them. Does she really need me around?

“Don’t get all doom and gloom, Seth. That woman loves you.”

“I know, but I worry about where my place is with them.”

“You worry too much, my friend.” Brady claps me hard on the back, causing me to lurch forward. “Just take things one step at a time. Bristol and Rebekah will let you know what they need. Your job right now is to be there for them.”

“Now that’s one thing I know I can do.” I smile brightly at my friend as my stomach rumbles. “I guess I’d better find something to eat before I become very unpleasant.”

“Already got that covered,” Vance says as he and Connor come into view, each holding a pizza and a case of beer. “What’s better than pizza and beer at an impromptu guys’ night?”

I rub the back of my neck and laugh. “I think I have some paper plates and Solo cups in the kitchen, but that’s all I can offer. I wasn’t planning on eating dinner here.”

“He planned to be eating other things,” Brady snickers.

I cuff him on the back of the head and pin him in place with a stare. He mouths an apology as Connor places the pizza boxes on the coffee table before walking back out of the room toward the kitchen, probably to put the beers in the fridge to chill.

Vance drops the case of beer in his hand and rips it open, pulling a beer out for each of us and handing me one. “But first, we’re sorry, Seth.”

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