Page 62 of Waiting to Love You

No matter how hurt and betrayed I feel, I can’t be angry at them. If I was in their position, I’d have done the same thing. They barely know anything about me, and that’s my fault. I keep to myself, and I appear moody to most people. I speak when spoken to, but I only give people the bare minimum of information about me. The few details I shared with them during the few months I spent visiting here before leaving on deployment were all superficial things. They had no idea of the man I was or am, taking Brady’s word that I wasn’t a complete asshole. They protected their friend.

The one thing that drew me to Tyson’s Creek in the first place was how everyone takes care of each other. How no matter if you’ve been here a few times or lived here your entire life, you’re welcomed with open arms. Everyone in this town is family. And family sticks together. And no one would betray someone they call family.

But why hadn’t Bristol said anything to me before now? Once we got back in contact with each other, there were so many times when she could have told me about our daughter. We even talked about having children together someday, and that would have been the perfect opportunity to bring up the subject. But again, she said nothing.

I need to think. To find a way to quiet the noise in my head, giving me space to think all of this through. I need to go for a run. I head toward the back of the house in what will be my bedroom to grab the gym bag Mrs. Thomas dropped off for me earlier. I find the bag sitting in the center of the bed and reach inside. It takes a few minutes, but I find a pair of gym shorts and my sneakers at the bottom of the bag. My body moves on memory as I will my brain to shut down, to let the repetitiveness of my movements soothe the frayed edges of my mind. I walk into the bathroom and change quickly, leaving my clothes on the floor.

My heart squeezes inside my chest as I head back into the living room and take a seat on the couch to pull on my sneakers. The moment my feet hit the edge of the driveway, I make a left and start running. I breathe in and out slowly as the sound of my feet hitting the pavement echoes through my ears, and I relax into a steady breath. Beads of sweat collect on my brow as my emotions melt away, clearing my head and allowing me to think for the first time since leaving Vance and Selina’s place.

After eavesdropping on their conversation, I was prepared for Bristol to tell me she had a baby with another man. I can’t pretend as if it wouldn’t have hurt knowing she was with another man while I was gone, but since we never officially said we were a couple, I would have accepted it. Honestly, I wouldn’t have had a choice. I told her I was coming back from the desert to make her mine, but did I ever give her a reason to believe me?

I promised her I was going to come back, but again, we barely knew each other. At the time, to her, they were nothing but words and promises that could be broken at any time. She didn’t have faith in me, in us, and the thought of that makes my soul ache, but I can understand it, too. If she had moved on, I couldn't have blamed her. But I never would have imagined that she was keeping this monstrous secret from me, a secret that would change the course of my life forever.

A little girl.

I’m a father.

My feet pound hard on the pavement as I pick up speed. Sweat soaks the front of my shirt as I push myself harder, shame washing over me in waves as I think about how hard the last eight months have been on Bristol. I can’t imagine all the nights she spent worrying about our baby girl, wondering if what she was doing was enough. The late-night feeding and sleepless nights she must have endured with no one to share the load.

Anyone who knows Bristol knows she would rather die than ask for help, not wanting to be a burden. But I could have been there for her. The military gives expecting fathers paternity leave, and although it’s hard to get approved through the command, I could’ve tried. I wasn’t there for her when they needed me, and that’s something I’ll regret for the rest of my life.

Wait. Anger bubbles in my veins as I pick up the pace even further, practically sprinting down the road, trying to release all the anger flowing through me. No matter how bad I feel for her, this was a choice she made. Bristol could’ve gotten in contact with me to let me know our daughter existed. Allowed me to help her come to grips with being a mother, to support her in any way she needed, but she kept her hidden away from me. She chose not to share our daughter’s existence with me. She chose not to allow me to be a part of either of their lives. It was a choice, no matter how I try to rationalize it.

I slow my pace to a jog as I allow my breathing to even out. I inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth as I allow all the anger to seep from my veins. Running not only clears my mind, it also helps me clear my emotions. I’m still angry and hurt, but the feeling is more under control than before I started running.

As my pace slows even further, I notice the sun slowly disappear beyond the horizon and turn around. I need to head back toward my house before it gets too dark. Connor warned me that there aren’t too many lights around the area, making it easy to get lost if you don’t know where you’re going. I don’t really know the area well enough to be running aimlessly.

I walk through my front door just as the sun disappears behind the horizon. The smell of freshly baked apple pie fills my nostrils, reminding me once again of what tonight was supposed to be. Instead of going into the kitchen to see what Mrs. Thomas dropped off, I kick my sneakers into the corner before plopping down on the couch. I should probably shower, but I drop my head between my hands, realizing that I’m no closer to a solution to my problem than I was before I went for a run.

“Knock, knock.”

My head pops up as Brady’s voice reaches my ears. I notice him waving something white in front of him.

“I come in peace!” he shouts louder than necessary.

I shake my head. Brady has always been one for theatrics, even in the most serious of times.

“What are you doing here?” I grumble, not even bothering to get off the couch.

“Is it safe?” He peeks his head around the corner, and his eyes widen as he takes in the perfectly decorated room. “Man, don’t you think you overdid it with the flowers?”

“At the time? No. But now? Probably.” I snicker softly. “I really should text your mom and thank her for doing all this, even if it was a complete waste.”

“I don’t think it was a complete waste,” Brady switches on the lamp sitting beside the couch before plopping down beside me, his nose instantly scrunching up in disgust. “You’ve been thinking, haven’t you?”

“Yes,” I deadpan. “And I’d like to continue to do so. What do you want?”

“Can’t your best friend drop by your house unannounced? Do I need a reason?”

“Yes.”

“I’m hurt.” Brady clutches his hand over his chest, dramatically falling backward as if I wounded him.

“You really didn't know?” I ask my friend, hoping that someone wasn’t keeping secrets from me.

“I did not know. I was in the sandbox right next to you, but I can’t say I’m surprised.” Brady relaxes against the couch, placing his right ankle on his knee as he looks at me. “I’m not surprised that she kept your daughter a secret. You were gone for a year, man. What was she supposed to do?”

“She should have told me,” I take a deep breath to calm the anger I feel bubbling up inside me again. “She could’ve found some way to get a hold of me.”

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