Page 19 of Every Beautiful Mile

“I’m good with pretending,” he says with a grimace and too-long gulp of his beer that makes me snort.

When my mom yells, “Dinner!” it’s the familiar smells of grilled steak and citronella candles blowing in the breeze as we settle around the table.

My dad raises his glass.

“To our Nelly, Finn, and Marin. May the road treat them well, and they return to us with only the best stories.”

“And may Nel keep four tires on the highway,” Gabe chimes in with a lift of his beer.

I shoot him a look that makes everyone at the table laugh.

As we clank our glasses, emotion sits like lead at the back of my tongue. I’m nervous as hell and have no idea how we will manage it all, but I know I need this more than anything. I need to leave with my broken pieces and come back mended.

After laughs and plates of good food, Finn and I are the last ones sitting at the table.

I study him, his brown hair longer than I realized. “You going to be okay with all of this? I mean, I know it’s a lot, believe me, it’s just that—”

“I don’t want to do this, Mom,” he cuts me off. “I don’t think that’s a secret, but I’m not going to fight you on it if that’s what you mean.” He pauses with a puff of a breath. “And I know you look for him, I see it. You miss him differently than Marin and me. You miss him in an out loud way all the time. I miss him when I hear an airplane buzz overhead. You miss him when you see there’s an airplane or when you see space maybe an airplane might be someday. I just… I’m worried you think we’ll find him waiting at a random truck stop along the interstate, even though we won’t. He’s gone. Whether we like it or not.”

Surprisingly, the expression on his face isn’t annoyance, it’s concern.

He’s right.

“I know.”

I spin the ring around my finger.

“Me too.” He nudges me with his elbow, lips lifting slightly. “Plus, I’d do anything to get you to stop being so weird. You’re freaking the whole island out.”

I throw my napkin at him, but there’s no use denying it.

“You got smart, kid.” I look at his face like it’s the first time I’ve seen it in years.

“I know.”

Then we turn and watch the sunset in silence.

Seven

“Nelly.”

My dad’s voice stops me as we climb into the Avion after dinner—Finn in the driver’s seat due to Gabe’s generous portions of tequila.

“I have something I want to give you.”

He holds out a small box, and inside is a simple gold chain.

It’s dainty—pretty—but not what I expect before setting off in a camper for the summer. He grabs my hand, his thumb and index finger gently tugging at my wedding band without pulling it off.

“Travis was a good husband to you, Nelly. I don’t know if he ever told you, but I met him at the marina before you did. I had been out fishing for mahi, and we had a cooler full at the table cleaning them, drinking a couple of beers, and up walks this kid, looking like he just hopped off a damn surfboard. His parents had just moved to the area, he told us, and he’d never seen such a big fish. He ended up standing there talking to us and drinking my beer for an hour.”

My dad laughs, but the look in his eyes is far away, like he’s standing right in the marina with twenty-three-year-old Travis.

“I told him, 'I have a daughter you should meet, but only go see her if you want to fall in love.' He shook his head and said, 'I have too much to do to fall in love! I’m going to be a pilot.' He was so damn proud. I told him where to find you at the Crow’s Nest the next day if he changed his mind.”

I don’t know if a heart can stop beating while a body continues standing upright, but I’m sure mine had. I wasn’t there, had never heard this story before, but I can see it happening so vividly, like I’d always known.

“This ring, Nelly?” His eyes search mine. “It isn’t him. Sometimes I watch you, laughing with some of the customers, and then you spin your ring for some reason, and a wall goes back up like you feel guilty for living. It weighs you down like an anchor. I don’t want you to forget him—nobody could—but he wouldn’t want this either.”

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