Page 123 of Every Beautiful Mile

Marin’s eyebrows pinch together. “Mom, why are you so crazy right now?”

“Ethan and I had sex.” I blurt the words, then slap my hand over my mouth.

“I knew it!” Marin yells at the same time Finn drops his napkin and yells, “Gross!”

Ethan covers his mouth with his hand but says nothing.

“I’m sorry, I just felt guilty and like you should know. And he didn’t force me or anything. It was my idea completely, like I really wanted it. If anything, I forced him. And then it just kept happening. Every day, sometimes several times. Sitting here with both of you makes me feel like I was hiding this thing like I should be ashamed of it. But let me tell you, it was really very good. Great.” I pause, cutting my eyes to Ethan. “Or at least I thought so.”

The kids are still groaning when I stop. Ethan’s eyebrows are sky high, hand still over his mouth.

Then I add, “I don’t want to keep this weird secret or anything so… now you know, and I can probably relax a little and lay off the tequila.” I smile and take a sip of my water.

The tension immediately melts from my shoulders as soon as my confession is out.

Finn’s face is so pale I almost laugh. “Mom, we aren’t kids,” he says, running a palm across his forehead. “We know what happens when adults date. You never ever have to share that with us ever again. Ever. Again.”

Ethan clears his throat. “So, your mom is a hard act to follow, but the special tonight is local mussels in a white wine sauce if that sounds good to anyone.” Ethan barely keeps a straight face as I squeeze his knee under the table.

“You two are so obvious.” Marin rolls her eyes and drops her menu. “And I ate clams I had to dig up for two weeks. I want a steak.”

***

After my most inappropriate confession, dinner is perfect. To anyone watching who doesn’t know us, they’d mistake us for a family by the way we laugh and talk all at once.

On the walk home, Ethan grabs my hand, and the fact I don’t pull away confuses me from every angle. We’re leaving. This is ending. But I hold his hand in front of my kids like neither of those things are real. Like we aren’t in a losing race with the ticks of the clock. Like I have feelings that are going to last much longer than the time we have left together.

“So, you guys have a few days here—what are you going to do with them?” Ethan asks, tilting his head toward the kids. His question slinks around my heart and tightens.

“Sleep,” Finn says.

“And take baths,” Marin adds.

“Thank goodness I didn’t hold out hope on you two seeing whales and puffins with me,” I tease.

We stop in front of the mint green house, and Marin leans into Ethan with a hug.

“Thanks for dinner, Ethan. It was very entertaining,” she says, pegging me with an amused look.

“Anything for a girl who survived two weeks in the wilderness.”

His smile is as genuine as hers. They like each other, which makes what’s coming next that much worse.

“Yeah, thanks.”

Finn bumps his fist against Ethan’s before him, and Marin walk up the steps to the house.

“I’ll be right in,” I say.

Finn nods, then they both disappear into the house.

Alone on the sidewalk, dread is a heavy ball in my stomach as I turn to face Ethan.

“Nel, I have to say I’ve never witnessed anything quite like that confession.” The streetlight flickers in his eyes as his lips lift.

“I like to stay on brand,” I say, shaking my head with a small laugh.

Then we’re quiet, and the urgency I feel to memorize him becomes visceral.

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