Page 7 of Dealing With Christmas

I unwrap the gift and pop the lid on the box. I frown as I lift the tissue paper and find a 9-pack of white cotton Fruit-of-the-Loom briefs.

“Tighty whities? What the hell, Ma? I haven’t worn these since I was eight.”

She has to raise her voice to be heard over the laughing assholes in the room. “They’re better for the sperm count. Now you have woman, you have to make sure your swimmers are healthy.”

“First of all, I think you have it backwards. Boxers are better for sperm count. Secondly, my swimmers are just fine, thank you very much.”

“This is the best Christmas ever!” Rainey snickers.

I put her in a playful headlock. “Yeah, keep laughing, sweetheart. You just wait until my super swimmers knock you up.”

“Yes, do that,” my mom says. “But you get married first. Then you give me grandbabies.”

“Slow your roll, Ma,” I say. “We just decided to move in together. We have plenty of time for marriage and babies.”

She throws her hands up in exasperation. “You and Carlotta take too long! You need to get serious and give me lots of grandbabies!”

“Uh, Mamma,” Charlee says, “I’m not even dating anyone, let alone ready for someone to impregnate me.”

“Why not?” my mom asks. She throws her arm out, gesturing to Drew. “You have big, strapping man right there. I see how you look at each other. You’d make beautiful bambini.”

“Over my dead body,” I mutter.

Charlee must’ve heard that because she flashes me a glare as she grabs another present from under the tree. “Drew, this one’s for you, from me.”

Drew shakes off my mom’s comment and takes the gift from Charlee. “You got me a present? You didn’t have to do that.”

She shrugs. “Don’t get too excited. It’s just some cookies that I baked.”

His face splits into a huge smile. “You made food for me?”

Goddammit, I don’t like the look he’s giving her.

“I did,” Charlee beams.

“See what I mean?” my mom says, flicking her wrist between them. “She likes to cook and he likes to eat. They’re perfect for each other!”

Charlee rolls her eyes. “Mom, back off on the matchmaking. You’re freaking Drew out and besides, I’m perfectly capable of finding my own dates.”

My mom grabs my dad’s hand. “I just want my children to be happy. If you want happiness, you have to make it happen.”

With that, she pulls my dad into a kiss that’s not even in the same zip code as appropriate.

“Ugh, stop embarrassing me, you two!” I shout.

Drew, red-faced, jumps up from the couch. Oh Christ, I’m pretty sure my grandma just pinched his ass.

“This evening explains so much,” he mutters.

I pull Rainey into a hug. “How’s that crow tasting?”

She laughs. “Okay, you win this one.”

I give her a quick peck on the lips. “Welcome to the family, honey.”

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