Page 6 of Dealing With Christmas

“Um...” Rainey begins, “do you have any club soda? I can try getting the stain out of the carpet.”

I peek under the table to assess the damage. Yikes, it’s pretty bad.

“I’ll get it,” I offer.

“Nonsense!” my mom shouts. “We are not going to let a little spilled wine ruin our holiday. Eat.”

My eighty-seven-year-old nonna starts cackling and points to Drew. “I’d rather watch him eat me.”

As soon as the words leave her mouth, five things happen in quick succession.

Drew’s mouth falls open in shock.

My mother gasps and makes the sign of the cross. “Mio Dio, Mamma! You can’t say things like that!”

Brody repeatedly bangs his head on the table muttering, “Kill me now, God. Please, just kill me now.”

My dad shakes his head, shrugs, then continues shoveling food into his mouth.

Rainey and I just sit there and laugh.

After a few beats, Drew shakes himself out of a stupor and whispers to me, “Did I just get propositioned by an elderly woman?”

“Yep, you sure did.” I wink. “The older she gets, the less fucks she gives about things like being proper. I kinda wanna be her when I grow up.”

He returns my wink. “I think you’re off to a great start, honey.”

CHAPTER FOUR

CHRISTMAS EVE

BRODY

After the dinner from hell, we all congregated to the living room for dessert and presents. Jesus, holidays with my family are always crazy because my family is, well, crazy, but this year takes the motherfucking cake. It’s bad enough that I have to watch my sister hit on my best friend all night, but now my grandma is hitting on him too? My left eye won’t stop twitching and I’m pretty sure I’ll never have a boner again.

“B.J., here, this one’s for you,” my mom says as she hands me a present.

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