Page 42 of Floored

Or it was something scarier, something bigger that I didn't want to face, and every single time, I backed away from the edge of that pit with a speed that should've scared me.

What if I wasn't good at this?

Oh, that whispered thought was enough to send a slow trickle of ice down my spine.

Would the slight vibration in my limbs wake him?

Could I distract him if it did?

Lurid images danced behind my closed eyes of all the ways I could do that, but I shoved them back. In my clearer moments, when I didn't feel like I was avoiding some big shadowy unknown, I knew better than to dive headfirst into the physical chemistry I felt with Jude. Like the night before when all he did was touch the lower edge of my lips.

Had that reduced me to a throbbing, achy mess? Yes.

Did it solve any of our problems? Nope. (My inner hormone queen who wanted to climb him like a tree pouted very much at that.)

With a resolve I didn't know I had, I carefully extracted my hand out from underneath his shirt, bidding a fond farewell to his happy trail. Jude didn't stir, which was a good thing. If he'd woken, voice all low and rough and calling me love, I would've stripped in five seconds flat.

But he was out.

As I eased my way toward the other side of the couch so I could get up, I remembered Logan being the same way after game day. Especially a loss.

The mental toll was massive on my brother, and I wondered if Jude was the same way. Not all athletes were. They could leave their wins and losses and mistakes on the confines of the field. The leaders weren't like that, though.

As I tiptoed into the kitchen, Logan weighing on my brain, I realized how much of my discomfort stemmed from not just missing family but something else entirely. I was withholding the truth from them because it was easier. Somehow, without all their eyes on me, I felt I could skate seamlessly through the hard.

I found my phone in my purse, battery dangerously low considering I hadn't plugged it in the night before, and I saw a text from Claire that had me smiling.

Claire: If you think I didn't notice that your Find my Friends location stayed in Shepperton last night, you're friggin’ crazy. ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH HIM AGAIN? The stupid happy in love side of me is dying for details.

Claire: Also, I'm gonna give you a deadline for telling everyone because I saw Finn and almost slipped again and HAVE I MENTIONED I'M BAD AT LYING.

Me: Not sleeping with him, though we did sleep last night. Just sleep. They lost their match and he had that "I'm a big tough athlete and I bear the mental burden of the team's poor performance" face (you know the one) and the cuddling that happened after was not planned, trust me. He made me a french fry sandwich, and it just ... happened.

Claire: I do know that face. Good morning.

Me: It's late there, why are you up??? Good morning. I miss you.

Claire: I miss you too. Working on some curriculum stuff for a new reading program at the youth center, and I didn't want to stop. I'm off tomorrow and can sleep. Did you really just sleep? (I'm giving you the serious eyes)

Me: Yes. Fully clothed cuddling. He wanted to kiss me, though.

Claire: And you resisted? I'm impressed. I DO know that face, and it's potent. Bauer had that face after he fell in one of his last competitions. I shocked myself a bit with what I was willing to do to make it go away when we got home. There were props involved.

Me: OMG STOP. Don't want to know.

Claire: Lia, seriously, when are you going to tell them? You've known you're pregnant for weeks. Don't be afraid of their reactions, okay? They love you. Everyone here just wants what's best for you. And don't be afraid of what comes next. That's what family is for. We'll help you.

Sitting at Jude's table, I stared at my phone and marveled over the fact that she could see through me, even this far away. There was comfort in that consistency, even if it still terrified me to try to figure out what came next.

"Good morning," Jude grumbled, walking into the kitchen with a slight smile on his face. "Coffee? Tea?"

"Coffee would be great."

He paused in the act of opening a cupboard. "You're okay to drink it?"

I nodded. "A cup or two won't hurt anything."

"Right."

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