Page 39 of Left on Read

Hayden made a thoughtful sound.

“And it’s the same with sexuality. I know it’s a spectrum, but until you, it never was for me. Or at least I don’t think it was.”

“How do you mean?”

“Nothing. I’m doing that thing where I monopolize conversations. Ignore me. What I was trying to say is that finding out that I enjoy kissing a guy when that guy is you isn’t a big deal to me. And it’s not like I haven’t seen it before, so I’ve thought about it without really thinking about it.”

“Okay, that needs some context.”

“Right.” I sighed. “This might be TMI, but you know how I’m a twin?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve accidentally seen my brother and his boyfriend in some…compromising positions. In the moment it didn’t really register as anything, but when I was driving home tonight, I saw those moments again and it’s like, yeah, Zane with a guy makes sense. So, me with a guy makes sense. Ugh. I’m not explaining this well.”

“You are,” he said quickly. “I’m just a bit amazed at how well you’ve just accepted this huge change in your identity. It took me years to come to terms with being gay, and you flipped from straight to bi in an hour, and you’re not freaking out.”

“I guess I just don’t see the point of freaking out about being bi because I was always bi. I just didn’t realize it. It’s like I didn’t know I liked marzipan until my friend was going on about how much he hates it, so of course I had to try it, and it’s good.”

“I’ve never heard someone compare their sexuality to marzipan before.” He snickered.

Some of the tension in my chest lifted at the sound. Maybe I hadn’t fucked everything up.

“You didn’t have an easy time with your sexuality?” I asked carefully. “You don’t have to answer if it’s a traumatic thing.”

“It’s not. For the longest time, I wasn’t really interested in anyone. Didn’t have the desire to date or hook up, didn’t really have a sex drive until I was in college. I’ve never been normal when it comes to sex or sexuality, either.”

“I feel like that’s a lot of people,” I said carefully. Was this the right time to try to empathize with him? Or was this the time to be quiet and let him talk?

He didn’t say anything, so I kept going. “But we’re so conditioned to think we’re supposed to want that when we’re teenagers that we don’t give ourselves time to figure out what we actually want and just listen to what everyone else tells us we do.”

“That’s exactly how I felt. Everyone in my family was always trying to set me up with girls and bugging me about ‘putting myself out there’ so I could find a girlfriend, but I just wanted friends. I didn’t have a lot of those growing up.”

“I’m sorry. That sounds lonely.”

“It was.” He sighed, “But things changed when I went to college, when I was away from the nagging and could finally be myself. That’s when I realized I’m exclusively attracted to men. It didn’t flip some switch and make me want to start sleeping around or anything, but it helped me get more comfortable with myself and figure out who I am and what’s important to me.”

“How did the people in your life react when you told them? Is it okay to ask that?”

“It’s fine. I’m one of the lucky ones. It took my family a bit to fully process it because apparently, I hid it really well and no one had a clue, but it’s never been a big deal. I don’t have a ton of friends, but all of them are accepting and it’s never been an issue. The only place I have to hide is at work.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. My students wouldn’t care. Most of the staff would be fine with it, and I’m sure my admin would be too, but it’s better to just not advertise things either way when you’re a single guy who works with tweens.”

I winced. “Yeah. I can see that.”

“Why did you kiss me?” he asked so quietly I barely heard him.

“Because I wanted to.”

“You said that. But why me?” His voice cracked. “Is it because you wanted to see if you liked kissing a guy and I was there?”

“No. It was because I wanted to kiss you.”

“Are you sure? Because it’s fine if it was just to see if you really are bi?—”

“I didn’t use you as some sort of experiment. If I wanted to see if kissing a guy could get me off, then I’d have gone out and found some random dude to try it with. I’d never use someone I care about like that.” Realizing what I’d just said, I hurried on, not wanting to sound creepy or like I was trying to emotionally manipulate him. Two things I’d been accused of in the past. “I know it’s only been a week, but I like talking to you. I like hanging with you. Hell, I like going on dates with you now that I know that’s what we were doing.”

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