Page 36 of Left on Read

“I mean, I just didn’t think of it, you know? Like, to me it made sense that we were hanging out as friends because my profile wasn’t about dating. But I never told him that, so of course he thought we were talking and those were dates.”

Noah and Zane exchanged another of those looks.

“You guys are annoying,” I grumbled.

“No, we’re not.” Zane leaned back and crossed his arms. “What happened after he kissed you?”

“I reacted the wrong way.” I winced, remembering the look on Hayden’s face when I jumped back. His shock, then horror, had been so visceral he’d almost hyperventilated.

I hated that I’d done that to him.

It wasn’t exactly a secret that Hayden was shy and didn’t have much self-confidence. He always stifled his laughs, like he thought maybe he wasn’t allowed to just let go and belly laugh. And he constantly turned to me for instructions or to see what my opinion on a subject was before he’d talk about it. Add in the baggy clothes he always wore, and the way he made little remarks about his appearance and how he thought he was lacking, and I suspected he had some trauma behind his actions.

It had probably taken a lot for him to make the first move like that, and I’d hurt his feelings because I hadn’t expected it.

“How did you react?” Noah asked.

“I jumped away.”

“That’s not the worst reaction you could have had.”

“For him it was.” I turned to my brother. “He’s really shy. I don’t think he’s the type to make the first move, so me jumping away like that was the same as if I sucker punched him. And you didn’t see him after. He panicked, and not like an ‘oh crap, I embarrassed myself panic,’ but way deeper than that.”

“Like a trauma response?” Noah asked.

“Exactly. He just kept apologizing and looking like he was gonna faint.”

“How do you feel about it now?” Zane asked.

“I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting it. But when I thought about it, I couldn’t think of a reason to not kiss him.”

Zane opened his mouth, but closed it again and blinked at me.

“I kissed him back,” I said to add context. “Then kissed him again because he thought the first one was a pity kiss or something. I tried to tell him I just needed a second to process everything and I wasn’t against kissing a guy, I just hadn’t thought of it before. I said a lot of words, but I’m not sure they made sense.” I heaved a big sigh to loosen the tightness in my chest.

“Did you like it?” Noah asked carefully.

“Yeah.” I chewed on the corner of my lip. “A lot.”

Zane and Noah both sat quietly while I tried to get my thoughts in order. I didn’t want to just dump another batch of word salad on them.

“It’s obvious I’m bi because Hayden’s a guy and I liked kissing him. But it’s weird because an hour ago I thought I was straight and now I’m thinking about the next time I can kiss him.”

“Are you seeing him again…like that?” Zane asked.

“I don’t know. I want to, but my head was so loud I had to bail before we could figure anything out.” I blew out a frustrated breath. “I shouldn’t have left him like that. I just…it was too much. My entire sexual identity got flipped upside down with a single kiss, and I got overwhelmed.”

“Do you want to see him again? Go on more dates?” Noah asked.

“Yeah. I like hanging out with him, and I really liked kissing him.” I pulled my phone out of my pocket and opened Singles. “I should message him.” I paused. “Is it too soon? Every time I message someone right after a date, they don’t react well.”

“If you want to message him, then message him,” Zane said simply. “Changing your behavior to try and fit what you think someone wants is only going to guarantee that it won’t work. And if something as shallow as messaging too soon is the reason he doesn’t want to see you again, then it’s better he shows you that now and not after you’ve invested a ton of time and energy into something that won’t work.”

“I guess.”

“Just be yourself. If he’s the right person for you, he’ll accept all of you just the way you are.”

“You’re right.” I opened our messages.

---