Page 74 of Close Quarters

“Mhm,” Reno said. “I happened to catch the looks the two of them gave each other when I was in there the other day.”

“Wait, why were you in there?! I asked. Considering how well we’d got along for months now, it seemed reasonable for us to have time apart. We started with small doses just to see how Leon would react and when he didn’t say anything, we expanded the time apart bit by bit.

Not that I was keen on being away from him and despite his protests, he seemed pretty attached, but it was nice to have the option. So, we weren’t as stuck to each other’s sides but it was still enough that I should have known he needed to go to the clinic.

He looked uncomfortable. “I was…talking to the doc they have in there for…sleep aids.”

“Oh,” I said, wanting to say something and knowing it was a bad idea. I wasn’t exactly the best at finding the right things to say, and he wasn’t the type to take words very well. “Well…that’s good.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I mean?—”

“Elliot.”

“Right. So, Reed and Leon.”

“You should have seen them. Lovestruck teenagers. Mooning over one another and really bad at hiding it.”

“Do you think they’re…” I began and then bounced my brow to infer what I meant.

“To look at each other like they did? Hell no,” he said with a laugh. “They so badly want to, though. Trust me. And you saw the way he acted. He’s so embarrassed by it he can’t stand even to have it brought up.”

“Which you intentionally brought up because you knew it would make him go away,” I accused. “So he wouldn’t talk about self-worth anymore.”

Reno stopped, looking intensely at the ground for a few seconds before speaking. “Look…I know…I know you guys have…that you care. About me. I get that. But it’s not…it’s…well?—”

Reno was as much a person to express himself through words as I was…actually, even less. I tried and generally fucked up royally, whereas he just didn’t bother in the first place. Watching him trying so hard and struggling to get the words out, the words that meant a lot to him for him to even try in the first place and to me, clearly showed a lot.

“It’s not easy,” he finally managed to say, balling his hands up. “I don’t do this shit, and I’m trying, but…I don’t want to talk about that shit right now, okay? I need to…figure things out.”

“Okay, yeah, sure,” I said, reaching down to take his balled-up fist in my hand and squeeze it. “This okay?”

He glanced up at me, probably trying to figure out if I meant what I was saying. After a few heartbeats, he relaxed his hand, and I looped mine into his, giving another squeeze. After a moment, he squeezed back and gave a little smile in return.

“Okay,” I said, walking with him, hand still in his. “I need you to give me the exact details of the mooning. I want full, romance book levels of detail.”

“Jesus,” he muttered irritably, but that didn’t stop him from starting to do what I said, never taking his hand out of mine.

For anyone else who didn’t know Reno, the gesture might have seemed tiny and insignificant. For me, though, it meant the whole world.

RENO

I tried to make it through the night without being woken up by my own head. I really did, but it seemed fate, God, or my own fucked up issues weren’t content to let that happen. Once more, I woke up with a layer of sweat covering my body as I clutched the thin sheet like it would shield me against the horrors of my sleeping hours.

I should have known something was going to happen. It had only been a week since the announcement of Riley’s departure, but more importantly, finding out what Leon had done for me was…well, I still didn’t have words to adequately explain what he had done, except potentially make a sacrifice he should have left alone.

That only bundled up in my head, along with the fact that I wasn’t blind or stupid. I had seen the changes in Elliot’s behavior over the past several weeks. The caring and warmth I had spotted before were coming out even more often. Sometimes, I saw the way he looked at me with such gentleness and understanding that I wanted to cry and rage against it.

But…I guess I’d gone through my own changes because I couldn’t bring myself to make him stop, to drive him away. I wanted to because it would be so much easier for us both in the long run, but I couldn’t find the strength. I hated myself sometimes for finding peace in those moments and relying on his strength to get me through things.

And those thoughts, that people could care and would still care no matter how much I fought it, were digging up things in the backyard of my mind. Old, stinking, rotting corpses that I had shallowly buried were being brought to the surface with all the misery and pain that came with them. Sometimes, it was just the occasional memory that I tried to nudge aside so I was okay during the day, and other times, it was a black mood that rose from the background of my mind and rolled over me like thick, choking smoke.

I rolled over to find Elliot curled up in his bed, which wasn’t all that surprising. Sometimes, he slept like he was trying yoga poses. Other times, he looked like a murder victim freshly dropped on the bed, or he just curled into a ball. He tried to tell me his fetal position was just because his body couldn’t decide how to get comfortable. I thought there was more to it than that, but I wasn’t going to push him to tell me. Some things were better left in your head. I knew that all too well.

Watching him sleep brought peace to my mind that I clearly couldn’t find when I was supposed to be sleeping. There was that old envy, wondering what it must be like to sleep through the night so well, but I pushed it aside. I could fall asleep easily, and for him, it was a nightly struggle to get that far, even when he was exhausted. We both had our problems, I guess, and I didn’t want to be irritated because his didn’t line up with mine.

I knew I should get in the shower, but I could hear Elliot’s irritated voice in my head at the thought.

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