Page 109 of Sweet Nightmare

There’s a part of me that can’t help marveling that this is what it feels like—what it looks like—to cry when you’re not in the shower. But the rest of me can’t stop sobbing long enough to really process this. Not when the pieces of my already broken heart have crumbled into so many shattered dreams.

CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN

THREE STRIKES

AND YOU’RE DEAD

“Kumquat.” Jude’s voice breaks as he skates a thumb over my cheekbone and wipes away my tears. “I can’t walk away from you when you look like this.”

I want to beg him not to walk away at all. But I can’t. Not when I can still hear Eva scream and see her remains every time I close my eyes. Not when I can’t help but think of the years Carolina spent in a prison cell for no reason. And not when I can feel the weight of everything that’s happened tonight—the weight of everything that’s gone so horribly wrong—pressing on my shoulders.

And so I do what feels like the impossible. I stop crying. I wipe my eyes. And I tell him, “It’s okay. Just go. I’ll be fine.”

If possible, he looks even sadder. “Don’t you mean okay?”

I know what Jude’s asking, and the answer is no. I don’t mean okay. I mean fine. Because right now I’m as fucked up and emotional as it gets. But so is he. So yeah, “I do. I’m okay.”

He doesn’t say anything else then. Just nods and slowly starts to back away.

“Clementine!” My cousin’s voice tears through the pain between us. “Oh my God, there you are! We’ve been looking for you everywhere! We’re moving up the time for the portal.”

I force myself to take my eyes off of Jude to look at him. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Because I know, deep in my soul, that when I turn back, he’ll be gone.

“Who’s we?” I ask when he gets closer, even though I already know.

He rolls his eyes, but I’m too busy trying to figure out why he looks so strange even though I’m not crying anymore. All I can say is, if this is what crying outside of the shower does to you, I am even less of a fan than I thought I was.

I blink a few times, rub my eyes, blink a few more. Then look back at Caspian again.

Only nothing has changed. In fact, it’s gotten clearer. He’s gotten clearer.

All three of him.

“Are you okay?” I ask again, trying not to panic.

“I’m fine.” This time the middle Caspian—the one decked out in Calder red and who looks like I expect him to—eyes me strangely. “Are you?”

“I don’t—” I pull my gaze off of all three of him and look around…which turns out to be a big mistake.

I’m already unsteady after everything that happened with Jude, and what I’m seeing now is only making me shakier. Because it’s not just Caspian that I’m seeing three of. It’s everyone.

More, it’s everything.

CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT

CRASH AND

LEARN

I blink again.

Nothing changes.

Rub my eyes really hard.

Still nothing.

I blink again, and when that doesn’t work, either, I do the only thing I can think of. I freak the fuck out.

---