Page 28 of The Instruments of Darkness

We watched a squirrel forage for black walnuts beneath the mature ornamental tree in her yard. Black walnuts are not native to Maine, but squirrels love them. The rodent would earn its meal, though; it would have to gnaw its way through the hard green husk to get at the nut inside. I knew fishermen who would pay good money for those discarded husks: to be crushed, cast on the water, and used to poison fish. It was odd the information one picked up as the years went by—or more correctly, the details one remembered. That knowledge about black walnuts and fishermen had probably displaced something useful from my brain, like how to avoid drowning.

“Did you and Colleen ever talk about her son?”

I could see her turning the question over in her mind, like a package of which she had grown suspicious halfway through its unwrapping.

“Of course.”

“My job isn’t to undermine Colleen, Mrs. Hudson,” I said. “I’m only interested in helping her.”

I could tell she was still wary. I was glad. It would make me trust what she said that little bit more, especially as she was the first person I’d interviewed who asked me to sit down with them.

“What do you know about Colleen’s relationship with Henry?” she asked.

“I know that Colleen suffered from depression, struggling with the first years of motherhood, and then some,” I said. “She told me she’d been seeing a therapist, which helped, and was now emerging from that dark period. Her husband said she’d displayed feelings of resentment toward Henry, which she doesn’t deny.”

“They’ll use that against her, though, won’t they?” asked Hudson. “In court, I mean.”

“They’ll certainly try,” I said.

“A bunch of men in suits, with no understanding of what it means to go through pregnancy, childbirth, or caring for an infant day and night, and no idea of what that does to a woman’s body and mind.”

“I imagine it’s one of the reasons why they’ve gone for a female prosecutor. They’re aware of the optics.”

“Then maybe Colleen should have chosen a female lawyer,” said Hudson.

“Instead she chose the best one.”

“You’re saying there isn’t a female attorney in the state of Maine as good as Moxie Castin?”

“There isn’t an attorney in the state who can compare with him,” I said. “Colleen is in superlative hands.”

“What about you? Where do you fit in?”

“I bask in Mr. Castin’s reflected glory. So what can you tell me that I don’t already know about Colleen and her son?”

She squinted at me. She had kind, shrewd eyes. Her husband was a lucky man.

“She loved Henry,” said Hudson. “I mean, she always loved him, even when she was frustrated by him, or bored—because they don’t tell you just how uninteresting babies can be—or floundering for lack of sleep. But loving and liking aren’t the same thing, and I doubt there’s a mother out there who hasn’t at some point wanted to shake her baby to make them stop crying. You don’t do it, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t considered it, and desperation and depression can make you think the worst things about your child and yourself. I speak from experience.

“But however low she felt, I don’t think Colleen ever so much as raised her voice to that boy. It’s not in her nature. Her instinct is to internalize, and suffer quietly. But I could see the toll motherhood was taking on her, and glimpsed myself in her. I got her to open up about it. I was the one who persuaded her to go to therapy, and recommended she consider my therapist. I know Colleen resisted medication, though. She tried it for a while, but didn’t like the way it deadened her, so she ended up with something less heavy that she could take when things got too much. But foremost, she needed someone who would listen and empathize, because she couldn’t manage alone.”

“What about her husband?”

“The cheater? He wanted to be a corporate big shot Monday to Friday, and a dad for a couple of hours on weekends, if it suited, but I don’t think he was a husband or father at all toward the end. Colleen didn’t want a divorce, though she suspected he did. Eventually, he’d have gotten his way.”

“I spoke to him earlier today,” I said. “He was convinced that Colleen would have surrendered custody of Henry to him.”

“He told you that? What an asshole. And just who was supposed to look after Henry if that came to pass? Because he sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one. He’d probably have handed him off to his brother and his wife, and they’d have been happy to take Henry, not having children of their own.”

“You and Colleen seem to have shared a lot.”

“Not everything, but enough. I told you, I liked her. I mean, I like her. I don’t know why I’m talking about her in the past tense. Her life isn’t over, no matter what others might say.”

“And Colleen’s mother?”

“Evelyn’s okay, I think,” said Hudson. “She’s a widow and Colleen’s her only child, so Evelyn is very protective of her. She tried to help out as best she could, but she and Stephen didn’t get along, especially after he cheated on her daughter.”

“Did Colleen talk to you about the other woman involved?”

---