Page 181 of Ride a Cowboy

New Year’s Eve, she’d sensed his feelings, realized what he’d been about to say. And she’d stopped him. Fear and panic had welled up so quickly, she thought she’d suffocate on the stuff. She’d asked him not to say it and, perfect damn man that he was, he hadn’t.

The worst part was…she’d wanted him to say it. To tell her he loved her, to hold her, to promise her forever.

But that desire was wrong. Wasn’t it? God. She’d known Daniel exactly three months. How could she be so willing to toss away everything she’d ever thought she wanted to take a chance on something so new, so undefined?

She needed help. She needed Vivi’s memories before they were lost to her forever.

“Whatever happened to Charles?”

Vivi smiled. “I wondered if you were going to ask me about him. He married a gal from our hometown about a year after I married JD. They had two daughters together. His wife, Joanna, died about six years ago and Charles passed just last year.”

“Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you’d stayed with him?”

Vivi shook her head. “Life’s too short for what-ifs. If it’s a rich, full life you’re looking for, the best thing you can do is to keep moving forward.”

“Yeah, but you got lucky. You found Granddaddy JD.”

Vivi snorted and waved her hand. “Shoot, darlin’, do you really think I was one-hundred percent sure I was making the right decision when I accepted JD’s marriage proposal?”

Sienna reared back, surprised. “You weren’t? But you were both so much in love.”

“I venture to guess there’s not a married woman on the planet who doesn’t second-guess herself at least once prior to her wedding day.”

Sienna was sure that was true. Although, there was a part of her that had truly believed Vivi and JD were the exception. “So what made you choose JD? How did you know he was the one and not Charles? I mean, it sounds like Charles was a pretty reliable guy too. He and Joanna hung in there for a long time.”

“Charles was a wonderful man. I’d never say otherwise. He just wasn’t my wonderful man.”

Sienna’s frustration wasn’t appeased by her grandmother’s answers. “But how did you know that?”

Vivi clasped her hand tightly. “I just did. When JD gazed at me, he saw me. Not just my hair or my face or my body. He saw me. And he loved me for who I was, warts and all.”

Sienna nodded, her mind whirling. “So you just felt it. Right away?”

Vivi shook her head. “It took a little convincing on JD’s part. Like I said, stubbornness runs strong through these veins. What touched my heart was that he kept coming back. No matter how many times I turned him away, he just kept knocking on my door. He made me feel special and needed. While Charles was a kind man, I didn’t seem to be vital to his happiness. I could tell he’d be okay with or without me. JD used to tell me I was his heartbeat. He swore he never lived a day until he met me. You’ll find your love, Sienna. You’ll become his heart. And he’ll become yours.”

Sienna longed for that kind of love. She’d wasted years of her life, swearing she was happy when all she really felt was fear. Of being alone, of never finding the true love that Vivi shared with JD, that her dad felt for her mom. She wasn’t going to be a coward anymore. “I hope so, Vivi.”

Her grandmother patted her hand gently. “I think you may be closer to it than you realize. But that doesn’t mean you need to rush headlong into anything. You’re young. You have time. Life is nothing if not one long crazy voyage. The trick isn’t in charting the course. It’s merely to keep moving forward and enjoying the scenery.”

Sienna recalled Daniel saying something similar on the first day they met. It’s not the destination. It’s the journey.

Bring on the adventure.

Sienna had spent the rest of the afternoon in the quiet company of her grandmother. They’d watched a couple of old movies, Vivi’s favorites, until suppertime. Daniel had pulled her aside briefly after dinner to see if she was okay. She obviously hadn’t done a very good job hiding her sadness. She’d assured him they’d talk about it later and he’d accepted her answer.

He was waiting in his usual place when she emerged at midnight. Rather than grasping her hand and dragging her to his RV, he simply opened his arms. She fell into them, soaking up the warmth and comfort of his embrace.

After a few minutes, he whispered in her ear. “Ready?”

She nodded. The walk to his trailer was made in silence. Daniel wouldn’t prod her for answers if she wasn’t ready to give them. While she’d promised her grandmother she wouldn’t share her secret with the family, she couldn’t make that same vow in regard to Daniel. She needed someone to talk to, someone who—unlike her cousins—wouldn’t be weighted down by emotions that clouded their judgment.

They entered the RV and Daniel helped her take off her coat. “How about we sit for a while? I could make us some hot tea or pour a couple of bourbon and Cokes.”

“I don’t need anything to drink. I just—” For most of the afternoon she had been able to keep her emotions in check, but when she saw the compassion in Daniel’s eyes, the dam broke.

“Hey,” he said, reaching for her as the tears started to flow. “Come on now. It can’t be that bad.” He led her to the couch. Sitting first, he tugged her onto his lap, cuddling her in his embrace. She buried her head in the crook of his neck and simply let it all go.

Daniel’s arms tightened around her and she let his strength seep into her bones. She wasn’t tough enough to carry this heavy weight alone. He didn’t ask what was wrong. Instead, he rocked her gently, rubbed her back, whispering words of comfort.

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