Page 108 of Ride a Cowboy

Joel sucked in a deep breath, determined to remain calm, though her questions pissed him off. “No. He didn’t. Jesus, Mom?—”

“Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain!”

Joel closed his mouth and counted to ten in his head. Talking to his mom when she was upset was never easy. It was one of the reasons Joel had always attempted to toe the line, to keep the peace. It helped him preserve his sanity.

“Why, Joel? This isn’t you. I didn’t raise you to…”

“To what, Mom? Fall in love with a man?”

Her eyes widened. “You’re not in love with him. You can’t be! The Bible?—”

“Stop.” Joel raised his hand. “Stop right there. You’re not throwing The Bible in my face as a way of justifying something you can’t understand.”

Mom’s shoulders slumped. “You were a good man before he came here. You went to church, you prayed.” She looked at his bruised face. “You didn’t get into fights and you didn’t get drunk.”

That last wasn’t true and she knew it, but she was grasping for anything she could, desperate to make Oakley the villain in all of this.

“You can’t blame Oakley for any of that. I’m a grown man and I make my own choices.”

“You’ve always been a good man, Joel. Respectful, polite, kind, hardworking.”

“And suddenly—because I’ve kissed Oakley—I’m not that person anymore?”

His mother didn’t reply to that, so he gave her the answer.

“I’m the same person I’ve always been.”

She swallowed heavily, but didn’t rebuff his assertion. “What about that Sadie girl?” she asked hopefully. “I thought you liked her.”

Joel considered and instantly dismissed opening that can of worms. He could only fight one battle at a time. And something told him he hadn’t won that particular war with Sadie.

Something had spooked her last night. He’d tried to ignore it, to chalk it up to too much amazing sex, but there had been something almost…haunted—for lack of a better word—in her eyes. Until he got things settled with her, that element of this unorthodox, but incredible relationship was going to have to remain a secret. “I do like her. A lot. But that doesn’t change how I feel about Oakley.”

Mom took off her glasses and wearily wiped her eyes. She wasn’t crying, but she looked like she might. It occurred to Joel that he’d never seen her cry. Not once. It was equally as sad to realize he’d never really heard her laugh, either.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Joel.”

He wanted her to say she understood. That she accepted it. That she was proud of him and she loved him, but he knew that was too many emotions to ask for. “Then maybe I should be the one to do the talking. I’m with Oakley. I love him and I’m not going to hide that or pretend otherwise when we’re in public.”

She winced, but he continued anyway.

“And I love you, Mom. Nothing you say right now will ever change that. I know this feels wrong to you, but it doesn’t to me. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m being completely true about who I am and what I want.”

“I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy, Joel.”

“Well, then take a good look.” He held his arms out. “Because this is it. I am happy.” And if he could find a way to convince Sadie to remain a part of the equation, that happiness would turn ecstatic. He’d crawled into bed last night, put his head on the pillow and known—honestly and truly known—what he wanted his future to hold for the first time ever. And he intended to move heaven and earth to make it happen. The man who’d spent a lifetime trying to make other people happy was going to grab the lion’s share of that emotion for himself.

His mother studied his face for several long, awkward moments. “I know you think I’m a hard, unforgiving woman.”

Joel shook his head, but she waved away his denial, pointing toward the barn. “I know that’s what he thinks too. And maybe I am, but I don’t know how to be anything else. Your father died when you were two months old. I had no money, no job, no skills, no family to help.”

Joel reached out and took her hand, relieved that she didn’t pull it away. Instead, she tightened her grip, squeezing his. “I’m not good at saying how I feel. I don’t understand what you’re doing with that man. And I’m not sure I’ll ever accept it.”

Her words pierced him.

“But I love you, Joel. I’m very proud of the man you’ve become. I don’t want to lose you. You’re all I have.”

He used their clasped hands to tug her close, wrapping her up in his embrace. “You’re not going to lose me, Mom. And I know I’ve thrown you for a loop. All I’m asking is that you try to understand.”

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