Page 47 of Summer After Summer

“She cheated on you?”

“She had a lot of bracelets.” He pauses. “She broke my heart.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“But you could.”

This is breaking my heart. “Fred, I didn’t kiss you for bracelets or points. That was just Ash being drunk. She’s the one who put getting kissed on a list. Not me.”

“But she did make you come to the beach that day. And she did force you to talk to me.”

“Yes. But—”

“Look, Olivia, I know it’s different—I do. But it feels the same. Do you understand?”

I think it through. “You feel like you can’t trust me.”

“It feels like I can’t trust this.” He takes both my hands in his and squeezes them. “And maybe that’s me. Maybe that’s something I need to fix. I know I have issues trusting things because of my dad. I went to all that dead-dad therapy. But I feel like once the trust is gone, it’s hard to change that.”

“How do you know unless you try?”

“You’re right, I don’t. But I’m leaving so there isn’t any way to find out.”

I pull my hands away. “What?”

“I talked to my mom today. My uncle is going to be in the hospital for a while, and they don’t need me around. I’m leaving tomorrow.”

I feel sick. “What does that mean? I’m never going to see you again?”

“I don’t know. It just all seems pretty complicated.”

“You don’t even want to try?”

“I can’t make any decisions right now.”

“But you are making one. You’re pushing me away for something I didn’t even do.”

He hangs his head. “I’m sorry.”

I don’t say anything. I can’t. Yesterday, I had to hold myself back from saying I love you every time he looked at me. And now, he can’t even meet my eyes.

“Olivia?”

“I want to go home.”

“Let me drive you. You can’t ride your bike like that.”

I stand, woozy, and lean against him. I want to push myself away, but I’m using every bit of energy I have not to cry, not to break down and bawl like I did when I was a little kid.

Nothing has ever hurt this much; it feels like nothing ever will.

Then I catch myself. Something did. Losing my mother was worse than this, and I survived that. I can survive this. There’s another side to this pain; I just have to wait for it.

“You all right?” Fred asks.

“No.”

He isn’t expecting this answer, but I don’t have to lie about how I’m feeling. If this is it, I can tell the truth about that at least.

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