Page 158 of Summer After Summer

June 2018

Against all odds, I make it to the final of the warmup tournament for Wimbledon.

I don’t win. I lose in a tight three-set match against a much younger opponent named Kendall. But as I review the match afterward, I know how to beat her. I know that I can beat her if I face her again. There were two crucial games where my focus shifted, where I started looking ahead to the match being over rather than staying in the moment. That’s when she broke me in the second set and again in the third. That was the difference. So, even though I lost, I feel good. I’ve avoided the press about me, stuck to my routine, and stayed away from my phone. The only people I speak to are Wes and Matt.

Wes and I talk about benign things, details for the wedding, nothing serious. I miss him, and that’s good, if confusing. With each day that passes, the dinner with Fred starts to fade, like sunlight at the end of the day.

When I check my phone for the first time after the finals, I have a raft of messages—from Ash, my sisters, Aunt Tracy, Matt. And from Fred.

I open his first.

Sorry about the loss.

Thank you.

He answers before I have time to read any of the other messages.

When can I see you?

After Wimbledon, I write impulsively.

Are you sure?

Yes, I write with assurance, though I’m anything but certain.

Why do I want to go down this road again?

I ask myself this question, though I know the answer.

Because I love Fred.

I always have. And though I love Wes, I do, it’s not the same. What I feel for Fred has always been bigger, faster, stronger. That’s why we crash. That’s why we fall apart.

But oh, in those moment when we’re together … Those are the moments that are worth waiting for. Worth seeking out.

I put down my phone and it beeps again. I check it. It’s not from Fred, but from Ash.

Have you given in yet?

Fuck off.

That means you have.

I haven’t.

But you’ve seen Fred?

I let that question sit there.

You have, haven’t you?

So what if I have?

What about Wes?

I didn’t do anything.

Wes is good for you.

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